


His Eyes and Heart

by AryaSnow



Series: His Eyes and Heart [1]
Category: Downton Abbey
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-17
Updated: 2015-12-24
Packaged: 2018-05-07 07:03:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 41,683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5447537
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AryaSnow/pseuds/AryaSnow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What if Edward hadn't died? If he and Thomas had feelings for each other?<br/>side relationship: Sybil/Tom</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A hopeless case

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome.
> 
> yes i have said on A new start that this would be a one shot. It has gotten even longer than Ans. I haven't slept more than 12h for the past eight days. I was to caught up writing this.
> 
> There will be warnings for descriptive War time imagery and suicide. Heed the chapter notes. The story will still make sense if you don't read those sections.
> 
> Also there are quotes from the show Ep2/02 credit goes to Julian Fellowes for writing them and Rob James Collier and Lachlan Nieboer for acting them so perfectly.
> 
> Now i hope you will enjoy this as much as i have writing it. It won't always be easy for those two. But since when has anything been easy for Thomas Barrow?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A certain Corporal meets a certain Lieutenant for the first time and gives him comfort - reluctantly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No warnings apply.  
> (maybe implied suicide, but only if you look very closely)
> 
> As always have fun and enjoy

The new patients from the Somme had come in, Major Clarkson had told Thomas earlier on. But only now had he found the time to check up on them. Not that he could do much for them anyways. Most of Thomas’ job was redressing wounds and trying to keep fever from setting in.

There simply wasn’t time for anything more. They had converted the second day room a few weeks past and were now housing up to 150 soldiers at times. That was more than three times the number the hospital was built for.

And there wasn’t the possibility of convalescing. The next convalescent home was Farley Hall close to Lincoln. That was more than 4 hours’ drive from Downton. It was certainly not what anyone wanted but it was what they had do make do with.

And so early afternoon had found Corporal Thomas Barrow on his way to the main ward where newcomers were usually put. Already from afar he heard the pain filled moans that were so characteristic for the hospital nowadays.

And once more he was glad that he had made the decision to get the hell out of the trenches. His wound had only been a minor one. But it had done its job and he had been invalided out. Apparently he wasn’t able to hold onto the stretcher anymore.

Clipboard under his arm Thomas strode towards the door when he came across Sybil Crawley who had started work here about two weeks past. “Hello Thomas. Are you on your way to the new ones?”

“Yes Sybil. Do you want to come along?” It was still weird to call her by her first name. In public they referred to each other by their titles. In private the nurses and hospital soldiers were referred to by their given names. All but Richard Clarkson.

“Yes. You can explain to me what to do and what happened.” He grinned. Her enthusiasm was rather endearing. “As you wish. But” Sybil interrupted him “I know that it will be awful Thomas. But I am so done with simply changing dressings on wounds that can barely be called a scratch anymore.”

Nothing more to be said there. Even if Clarkson wouldn’t be amused. But somehow he doubted that Sybil would be deterred from doing what she thought best. And she would do nicely he concluded. She wasn’t what one called a pampered Lady. Especially not when having an affair with an Irish radical turned chauffeur.

But he doubted that Sybil realized that he knew. So he just opened the door onto the dreadful scene that awaited him every time a new convoy came in. Men in torn and soiled uniforms lying pale and unconscious on even paler sheets.

Men without legs, feet, hands, arms. Often only bandaged up in a makeshift manner by the field dressing stations. Blood and puss often drenched all bindings. There were soldiers who were wreathing in pain and those who were in a morphine induced stupor.

But to Thomas the worst were always those that wouldn’t make a sound. That only lay on their bed fully conscious but wouldn’t speak nor move. Those that had given up. Those were usually they ones they lost.

Because they didn’t want to live on. He quickly scanned the room taking in the various states the new patients were in and thought himself lucky when he didn’t find any of the lost causes. But then his eyes fell upon a slim man with a bandage over his eyes.

Fuck. He hated those cases. Especially he hated any form of gassing injuries. Next to him he heard Sybil sucking in the air. “Are you alright Sybil?” She nodded and took a look at his clipboard. “Easier if we divide them up. It will go faster.”

And as easy as that she pulled the first of the two pages with patients’ details from the clipboard and went off in search of a second one and a pen. Thomas quickly scanned the left over page and read with a feeling of dread what Sybil had unknowingly pressed upon him.

The paper read, among other equally severe things, “Lt. Edward Courtenay, Yorkshire Volunteers, 25 years, possible permanent blinding by mustard gas.” DAM IT. But he had to get through his work. It would not do to start feeling sick about something that had not happened yet.

But he still resolved to visit Lt. Courtenay last. But while he worked, checking bandages and ordering replacements to be made, he found himself checking on the young man from the corner of his eyes often.

But Lt. Courtenay didn’t appear to be too troubled yet. In fact he seemed to be asleep. “Corporal? Could you help me over here please?” He quickly looked around to spot Sybil and Major Clarkson struggling to get a soldier back into bed.

Quickly he excused himself from the soldier he been tending to and hurried over to the other side of the ward. Together they grabbed the unconscious man and lifted him back into bed. Thomas nodded to the other two and continued to his next patient. There were still many to get through.

A frightened, half muffled scream jerked him out of his routine questioning and note taking. Quickly he scanned the beds to see what had happened. He drew a sharp breath when he saw Lt. Courtenay groping frantically at the bandages on his eyes and at the same time equally frantic trying to get out of bed.

Thomas hasted over to him as quickly as he could. “Lt. Courtenay, Sir? Please calm down.” Thomas place a hand on the other man’s shoulder to show him that somebody was there. Gosh he hated those cases of blindness.

The touch together with the calm voice seemed to calm the young man down. “Where am I?” Thomas carefully settled him back into the bed before answering. And even then he somehow didn’t remove his hand from Courtenay’s shoulder.

“You are at Downton Cottage Hospital Sir. My name is Corporal Thomas Barrow and I work here under Major Clarkson.” He saw Sybil coming over. Major Clarkson had only looked over and upon seeing Thomas take charge of the situation had returned to the soldier he was examining.

By now Sybil had reached them and Thomas hurriedly took his hand away from the other man’s shoulder. “Lt. Courtenay? I am Sybil Crawley. And I am responsible for this ward together with Corporal Barrow here.”

Courtenay turned his head towards Sybil. “Lady Sybil Crawley?” Sybil seemed slightly confused. “Yes. Do I know you Sir?” Courtenay gave a small, slightly bitter smile. “I am not sure if we have met My Lady but our parents know each other.”

Sybil seemed to scan her memories for mentions of a Yorkshire based Courtenay family. But she grew only more confused. Thomas also only came up with a distant memory of a history lesson involving some feud between the Devonshire Bonnevilles and Courtenays.

The very living Courtenay in front of them sadly shook his head. “It must have been some time ago. They are only distant acquaintances I fear.” Sybil just slowly nodded before remembering that Courtenay couldn’t see that.

“I am going to ask my parents tonight. They have the memories of rhinos when it comes to people they have met.” She giggled quietly and the young soldier grinned back. Then she turned to Thomas and said apologetically “I have to get back, Thomas.”

Thomas just nodded and turned back to his patient. To get the blind man’s attention he carefully touched his hand. “Lt. Courtenay? I also have to get back to the other patients. But I will be back later.”

He took a deep breath before continuing in a much quieter tone “You don’t have to be alone for one moment Sir, if you think you need company or someone to watch.” Courtenay smiled and Thomas saw how he seemed to be searching for his hand.

Carefully he grabbed the seeking hand of Lt. Courtenay. “Thank you Corporal. I appreciate it.” He pulled his hand away after he had given Thomas’ a slight squeeze. Turning away from Thomas he seemed to be drifting back to sleep.

 

Later that day Thomas managed to catch Sybil on her own. “Sybil? Do you want to trade shifts tonight?” Sybil looked at him curiously. But then she smiled. “Of course Thomas. I’ll be glad to be off my feet for at least one night this week.”

“And I take it this rather unusual request has something to do with the young Lt. Courtenay?” Thomas blushed and quickly looked around. “Not in that way Sybil. But he seems to be rather lost. You heard him when he woke up this afternoon.”

“But you like him?” Thomas’ blush deepened. “There is no place for these feelings in there Sybil.” She sighed. “Don’t I know it.” Thomas was quick to take up the change of topic. “Will you be seeing Mr. Branson when you get back to the house?”

She looked at him angrily. But then she seemed to think better of her reaction and flashed him a smile. “I should have known that you had picked up on it.” Thomas just slightly squeezed her shoulder. “I wish it will work out for you Sybil.”

 

Thomas spend the rest of the evening in his room trying, and failing, to get some sleep before his night shift. When the clock stroke nine he threw of the thin covers and slipped back into his rough and scratchy uniform.

He quickly made a round of the two other wards, checking in with Major Clarkson on his way to the common ward where Edward Courtenay was fitfully sleeping on a squeaking bed. He quietly pulled a chair up to the bed and sat down.

Actually when he had told Major Clarkson about Courtenay it had been the doctor who had suggested staying with the blind man. After all Clarkson had been there when Courtenay had woken up in the afternoon.

Thomas watched how the young man’s chest slowly rose and fell with each breath. Thomas slowly let his gaze wander over the body in front of him. Sybil seemed to have managed to get Courtenay into some pyjamas so he might be a bit more comfortable.

Only now did Thomas realize that Edward Courtenay’s face and hands were covered in bloody scratches. One of his legs was in a light cast. That must have been Sybil’s work as well. The poor man must have been caught in one of the heavier German attacks.

Thomas remembered only too well what that meant. Had lost many men from his squad to one of those damned attacks. But to his immense astonishment and unbelievable luck he had managed to evade the mustard gas.

Sometimes during the nights, especially if it had been a stressful day, he still dreamt of the trenches. Of the battles at the Somme that had raged for months. Of Verdun and Ypres. He had been in the thick of it all.

Because he had been a medic. They had been send to the places where the fighting had been worst. Where the shells and mines had been exploding by the second. Where you could be shoot the moment one of those damned Germans just saw the rim of your helmet poking over the top of the trench.

That had happened to his sergeant. Right in front of Thomas. Gosh he had been so close to a full blown panic attack by then. And the most unlikely person had been the one to prevent it. Because out of the muddy mess had walked one Matthew Crawley.

With the realisation that he was talking back to the future Earl his confidence had returned. For about half an hour. Until the next raid. Later that evening Mr. Matthew had found him in his little hiding hole.

They had shared his scavenged tea from a battered pan and had talked about Downton. In the end Mr. Matthew had said the wisest words he had ever heard from a man. And those words had him search for a quiet part of the trench and hold up that lighter.

A muffled moan jerked him from his dark thoughts. “Lt. Courtenay?” The man on the bed turned around to him. “Corporal Barrow? Are you there?” A searching hand went through the air. Thomas quickly grabbed it.

“Yes, Sir. I am right next to you.” Courtenay seemed to calm down again. “Thank you Barrow.” Thomas smiled to himself. But he made sure to keep it out of his voice as he answered “That is my job Lieutenant.”

“I am pretty sure it is not in the job description of an army medic to spend his night sitting next to a blind soldier.” Thomas merely breathed a laugh. “As a matter of fact Lieutenant I have sworn to do my best to heal his majesty’s soldiers. And if that means sitting at their bedside when I could be sleeping, I will do it.”

Courtenay must have sensed his amusement for he giggled quietly. “You are a nice person Barrow. I hope you realize how much it helps me to have someone around me.” Thomas shook his head. No he wasn’t nice.

Had never been. He remembered a certain snuffbox. An accusation over stolen wine. Stealing William Mason’s girl just to piss him off. “Barrow? Have I said something wrong?” Thomas took a deep breath “No sir. I just drifted off. I am sorry.”

He felt Courtenay squeeze his hand. Only now did he realize he was still holding onto it. He quickly tried to disentangle himself. But Courtenay intensified his grip, refusing to let go. “I know it is not proper Corporal. But please let me feel that somebody is there. It helps immensely.”

And so Thomas kept his hold upon the other man’s hand praying that he wouldn’t notice the slight film of sweat that had formed upon the inside of said hand. Soon he heard how Courtenay’s breath evened out and he fell back into a fitful sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There we go first chapter done. Will upload another one soon. Will be done by xmas eve.
> 
> Please leave kudos and comments. Thomas and Edward will certainly be needing them ;)


	2. On his head be it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Edward convinces Thomas of some essential things

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this seems rushed but even with his severe injuries Edward would have had to leave the hospital within a week of arriving. So i had to move the story along
> 
> a bit of War Time memories. Nothing to graphic

Morning had come and Courtenay had not woken a second time. Shortly before six Thomas had carefully disentangled his hand from the sleeping officer’s clutch and had quietly put his chair back in its place next to the door.

At seven Sybil had come to relieve him and Thomas had fallen into his bed like a stone, not even bothering stripping of his scratchy uniform. No doubt he would suffer for it later. But he was simply too tired after nearly twenty four hours on his feet.

At three in the afternoon Sybil had woken him again. She had told him that indeed her parents had met Lt. Courtenay’s at some party or other. Thomas carefully enquired about Courtenay’s state. After the conversation they had during the night he was rather afraid.

Sybil quickly shot glances down both sides of the corridor before entering Thomas’ room. Closing the door behind her she gave him a kind look before sitting down on the chair at his desk. “He told me how you spent the night sitting next to him.”

“He also told me that he requested that you hold his hand throughout the night. And that you didn’t seem to want to do this. That he had to convince you.” Thomas nodded gravely. Sybil eyed him curiously.

 “Sybil, you know why I don’t want any of this. You know what would happen if the wrong person saw. Truth is that I find him attractive. Truth is that I feel drawn to him. And I didn’t want to give him the wrong impression.”

“I don’t think you have Thomas. He seemed rather grateful about your presence. You gave him comfort.” She took his hands into hers. “Thomas. Don’t worry. Please. Everybody would understand your closeness.”

“By the way” she rose “Clarkson has appointed you as Courtenay’s personal attendant for the duration of his recovery. So nobody will ask twice when you spent more time than necessary with him. Try to make the most of it."

She gave him one last smile and disappeared. Sweet Sybil. Thomas envied her for her easy way of dealing with things that mattered. How she had accepted him being gay without another thought. And now she had somehow wrangled Clarkson into making him Courtenay’s personal attendant.

They had never done such a thing before. Even if there had been a blinded patient, whoever of the nursing staff was free at the moment took charge for the time being. Sweet, sweet Sybil. Thomas smiled.

There was a short rap at his door. “Corporal are you up? Your shift is about to start.” Clarkson poked his head in. “Yes Major, just coming.” “Nurse Crawley has told you about your special assignment? I hope you know that means that you will be taking on some more night shifts?”

Truth be told for Edward Courtenay Thomas was more than willing to take on a few more night shifts. “Yes Major. Thank you for your trust in this matter.” Clarkson smiled kindly. “Lt. Courtenay has been very adamant.”

“And in addition if he wishes it he can have the empty bed in the upstairs room. Be sure to ask him.” “Certainly Major.” Clarkson nodded and went to tend to his own business. The offer was really generous.

The empty bed Clarkson had referred to had just been vacated by a one legged officer who had gone to Farley a few days ago. It stood in one of the smaller wards. Actually it had been part of the birthing chambers before the War.

And therefore it could easily be separated by wooden screens. Thomas stood up and made his way to the front ward. He quickly checked on all the other officers in his care and then made his way towards the bed where Courtenay was resting.

He quietly cleared his throat as he approached the bed. “Corporal Barrow?” “Yes. How are you feeling Sir?” Courtenay mentioned vaguely to his left side were during the previous night Thomas had sat.

“Won’t you stay with me for a while Corporal? I heard you are to be my eyes now.” Thomas sucked in a sharp breath at the comment. “Actually you might not need me for that long. We had cases of gas blindness wearing off.”

But Courtenay interrupted him “Rare cases. And much sooner than this. It doesn’t help me to be lied to, you know.” Thomas sadly looked at his feet. It was wrong of him to get the lieutenant’s hopes up. He already wanted to turn around when Courtenay called out to him once more.

“Corporal. I am sorry. I get so restless sitting in this bed the whole day. So would you please give me the pleasure of some company?” “As you wish Sir.” Thomas moved off in search of the chair. He took some time about it.

He seriously needed to get a grip on himself. He had read somewhere that blind people were especially sensitive to other senses. If he seemed nervous, Courtenay might find out about him. And that would be awful. Or so he thought.

When he finally returned he found a very agitated Edward Courtenay and an equally angry Sybil Crawley. “Nurse Crawley? Can I do anything for you?” Sybil replied in a hushed but very angry tone.

“Yes, Corporal. Lt. Courtenay here was about to wander off and look for you. You agreed to stay with him for a while but suddenly you seemed to have vanished.” Thomas apologetically gestured to the chair he had been dragging behind him.

“I was looking for a chair. I could hardly sit on the bed, Nurse Crawley.” Courtenay sighed deeply. “Alright. Thank you Lady Sybil. I guess I just over reacted. I am sorry to have taken up so much of your time.” He forced a thin smile.

Sybil flashed Thomas one last angry look before she left for her duties in the second dayroom. Thomas sighed and finally sat down on the chair next to Courtenay. “I am sorry Lieutenant. I should have told you before I left.”

Courtenay didn’t make a sound. Instead he just lay on his pillows, staring up into nothingness. They sat like that for some time, Thomas wasn’t sure how long. But a look at the clock above the door told him that it was time for his next round through the ward.

He cleared his throat once more. “Lt. Courtenay? I have to make another round to check up with the other patients. I will be in the room though, so you can always call me. I will be back as soon as I can.”

Courtenay only nodded that he had heard. Sighing Thomas rose from his chair. But as he made to move away he heard a faint whisper. “Do come back Corporal. Please.” Thomas bend back down, grabbing the hand of the young man and squeezing it slightly. “Of course Sir.”

Thomas quickly made his round, checking on the other patients. He adjusted a bandage there, collected letters here. Asked after their well-being. And always kept an eye on the bed of Edward Courtenay.

As he returned to his bedside chair he remembered about Clarkson’s offer. “Lt. Courtenay? Major Clarkson has wanted to make a suggestion to you.” Courtenay focused completely on Thomas. He saw how tense the blind man had become.

“Do I have to leave?” Oh heavens. Not now. And not this young man. “No Lieutenant. Major Clarkson has extended the offer of a bed in one of the upstairs wards. It means more privacy as those rooms have screened off separeés. He thought you might like that a bit better.”

“Would I be completely alone?” Thomas heard a slight fear underlying the question. Thomas pitied the young man. And he decided to take a risk. Looking around for possible eavesdroppers he bend towards the blind officer.

“No Sir. There are at least two others in the room, separated by wooden screens. And I have my room right across the hall. You will never be alone if you don’t want to.” His reward was a tiny smile and a whispered “Thank you, Thomas. I should like that very much.”

Ok. Now what? Thomas was more than just a little confused. He need some time to process all that had been conveyed by that simple agreement. He stood up “I will tell Major Clarkson and you can be moved as soon as I readied the room upstairs.”

When he turned around he felt a hand at the back of his uniform. Courtenay had tried to get hold of his hand. Thomas turned back around. He took the searching hand into his own and gave it a small, reassuring squeeze. “I will be back shortly Lieutenant.”

When Thomas finally made it back to his room he flopped down onto the bed with an exasperated sigh. What was he to do now? Had he been deceived or had Edward Courtenay told him through words and gestures that he wasn’t pining in vain?

He wasn’t sure. It was always so hard not to get ones hopes up in case it was either a trick or just plain failure. He never made the first step. His past experiences had taken that confidence from him. But he was sure about one thing. He would enjoy the next days immensely.

He knew that Courtenay would most likely be asked to leave in about a week or two when yet another bloody battle had taken its toll and the beds were needed for another round of wounded soldiers.

But maybe. No that would be thinking too far ahead. And at the same time it wasn’t. He had seen the fear when Courtenay had thought that he had to leave. He didn’t want that gentle soul to suffer anymore.

He concluded that he would ask Sybil whether her parents might be inclined to take Courtenay in as a guest in case he had to leave for Farley too soon. Smiling he went in search for Clarkson and some clean sheets to start making up the bed in the upstairs ward.

Later that evening when he gave over responsibility of the front ward to another serving officer he went in search of Sybil. He finally found her as she was getting ready to leave for the Abbey. Thomas gently knocked on the door before entering the room.

“Sybil? Can I ask you something?” she answered without turning around “Yes. What is it Thomas?” She was finished buttoning up her dress and turned around to him. Thomas hated beating about the bush so he just ploughed on ahead.

“Do you think that your parents might take in Edward Courtenay if Clarkson asks him to leave? He fears being torn away so much that I fear it might lead to drastic actions on his side if he is made to leave.”

Sybil watched him closely. “Are congratulations in order? I would be so glad for you.” Thomas blushed but smiled. “I am not sure Sybil. Maybe and maybe not. But I think either way he can’t and shouldn’t be forced to Farley.”

Sybil seemed to consider it for a minute. “Thomas, I am not sure. They might take him in for maybe a week at most. But it would be very taxing on them because of his blindness. And you can’t always be there to help him around. Your job is here, as is mine.”

“A week is better than nothing Sybil. Certainly preferable to what I think he might do if forced to leave security. He is such a gentle soul Sybil. He never wanted to do anything but country sports and reading.” He took a deep breath.

But before Thomas could pick up his plight again Sybil stopped him. She placed a small hand on his arm. “Let me think on it Thomas. He will certainly have the one week at the Abbey. But after that I am not sure. Though I have an idea. But it won’t be easy.”

“I will speak with Cousin Isobel tonight and tomorrow with Clarkson. Let’s put my parents up against a fait-a-complie. We will go and turn the Abbey into a convalescent home. With you in charge. I will fetch you tomorrow before I speak with Clarkson so we can have him in our boat.”

Thomas was speechless. And that was something that didn’t happen often. But Sybil had just come up with the best possible solution. Though she probably had thought about it for some time. And cousin Isobel had been going on about making the Abbey useful that their ears were ringing with it.

And he had just given her the key to her plight. If a possible suicide could be prevented once it could be repeated. And Lord and Lady Grantham wouldn’t resist something this serious. Sybil smiled at him. “Go Thomas. Tell Edward and make the best of it.”

Just as he reached the door she called him back. “Thomas” she motioned for him to close the door. After he did she continued in a hushed tone “I think Edward likes you. A lot. He was in such a state today when you left without a word.”

“And he told me how comfortable you had made him the night before. And how grateful he was that you had let him hold your hand. I really think you have a chance for happiness Thomas.” She smiled and squeezed his arm.

But Thomas wasn’t convinced. Didn’t dare to be convinced. “I don’t know Sybil. You know what would happen to me if I was wrong. I’d rather be pining in vain than end up behind bars.” Sybil took him into her arms.

“Yet here I am dating the chauffeur and I am telling you Edward Courtenay likes you. A lot. Go for it while you can.” He sniffed and laughed at the same time. Lady Sybil Crawley was an incredible kind and loving person. And still he didn’t allow himself to hope.

“Sybil? Would you do me a favour?” She looked at him with a raised eyebrow. “Nothing dramatic. But I need to move Courtenay up into his new room and I can’t manage on my own. He hasn’t been out of bed since he arrived here.”

She let out a little laugh “Actually he has been out of bed. I found him the corridor this afternoon looking for a certain Corporal who had wandered off in search of a chair.” Thomas stuttered. Now that was rather unfortunate.

“But of course I will help you. Have you got everything ready upstairs?” Thomas nodded. “Then let’s go. Before I have a certain chauffeur wandering the halls in search of me.” Oh what a marvel. Thomas actually let out a laugh at her last comment.

When they entered the front ward they found a certain chauffeur already at the door. “Tom” Sybil greeted. Thomas simply nodded at his best friend’s boyfriend. “Are you ready to leave?” Tom just ignored him. But he was fine with that.

“Just a moment. Thomas and I have to move a patient up ton another room.” “Can I help?” “No Tom. Lt. Courtenay is in rather a precarious position and he wouldn’t like to be touched by unknown hands. Just wait for me here. I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

While Sybil had been speaking Thomas had moved through the rows of beds towards Edward Courtenay. Had quietly told him that they would now be going upstairs and that he, Thomas, would fetch any belongings later. Courtenay had just given him a small smile.

Then Sybil had joined them. “Lt. Courtenay. Are you ready for the climb of the Himalaya?” Courtenay chuckled. “I didn’t know that you kept your poor patients on a snowy mountaintop Lady Sybil.” Thomas and Sybil had just laughed.

Carefully they had helped him to the edge of the bed. Slowly he rose to his feet. As soon as he had a stable stand Thomas and Sybil started walking very slowly while keeping a tight grip on the man between them.

“Careful” Thomas warned as they approached the stairs. “Step” Sybil’s command came. She didn’t need to say more Edward Courtenay knew what stairs were after all. Halfway up Sybil stopped. “I’ll go now. Otherwise Tom is going to throw a tantrum. Goodnight Lt. Courtenay, Thomas.”

Edward Courtenay turned his head. “Goodnight Lady Sybil. Thank you for your help today.” “Not a problem Courtenay. And remember what I said. You will manage.” Courtenay gave her a small smile. “I think I will.”

As Sybil descended the stairs, Thomas and his charge continued with their march up. Finally they had reached the privacy of the screened off part of the upper ward. Carefully Thomas led Courtenay to the bed and sat him down on it.

“I will go and get your things. I promise I’ll be back without delay.” “I know Thomas, thank you.” A soft hand squeezed Thomas’ lingering for a little longer than maybe necessary. Thomas stood up and went in search of Courtenay’s things and to report the move to Clarkson.

Officially he wasn’t on duty this night but something made him stay with the blind soldier despite the fact that he actually should be catching up on missing sleep. So he had dragged yet another chair to Courtenay’s bedside and had sat down next to his charge.

And he took another chance. After all had quieted down he had sat on the edge of the bed. “Edward?” Another risk, another success as the officer motioned him to continue. “Can I tell you something?”

“Yes, always Thomas. But only if you answer me something first. It has been of some concern to me for a while now.” Thomas was irritated. He wanted to get this over with as quickly as possible. But he still agreed.

“Thomas, you are my eyes now but once not so long ago I was able to see. So please tell me what my new eyes look like. Please?” Thomas was taken aback. He had expected many things but not this. He sputtered. And tried to come up with a neutral reply.

When he couldn’t he decided to go with his original plan but to embed it in Edward’s request. “They always have pushed me around. Because I am different.” “In what way are you different?” But by now the last bit of courage had utterly deserted Thomas.

“Oh never mind.” He already had half risen to get back into his chair when he felt a soft touch upon his upper leg. Edward had placed his hand there. And Thomas decided once and for all that he wanted this.

He put his own hand over Edward’s. To his joy and utter relief Edward’s hand turned under his and their fingers entwined. Both let out breaths they didn’t know they had been holding. Slowly they moved towards each other, Thomas hand guiding Edward’s face to his own.

Their kiss was a precious thing. They took their time about it. Simply enjoying each other. After they finally broke apart both of them smiled. “Thank god we finally got there.” Edward sighed “I thought you weren’t interested.”

Thomas chuckled quietly. “Far from it. But I wasn’t sure.” Edward got his implication immediately “Well we have to take chances right? But in this case your friend Lady Sybil was a brilliant match maker.” A second time in one day found Thomas lost for words.

He finally regained control of his mind. “You mean Sybil has put you up to this?” It was Edward’s turn to chuckle. “Not exactly but she knows you pretty well and I confessed to her. She told me you wouldn’t make the first step. So I did it.”

“And I am so glad for that. Even though I have to be very cross with Sybil tomorrow. What is she going on giving my secrets away to random strangers?” But he was laughing quietly and gave away the game.

“I still want to know how you look like Thomas. You have been very sly at evading my question.” Thomas chuckled “Don’t say that you didn’t like my evading strategies.” “Very much so but I still must insist on an answer. Or you won’t be getting anything from me anymore.”

He pulled his hand away from Thomas and crossed his arms over his chest. Thomas let out an exasperated sigh and chuckled “Alright you win. Well I am about six foot one, which is about the maximum height for a footman.”

Edward interrupted him “So you were in service before the War?” “Yes, I was a footman in service to Sybil’s family. That’s how we know each other so well. Do you want me to continue?” He asked as he felt Edward’s hand sneaking back into his own.

“Yes. Maybe you will be in Service again when this is over.” Thomas shrugged, forgetting that Edward couldn’t see that. “Maybe. But let me continue.” Another chuckle from Edward “Go on then.” Thomas sighed exasperated.

“I have black hair and grey eyes. Sybil keeps saying that I am so pale that she constantly thought me sick as a child. And right now I am wearing army medic uniform, which you know how it looks like. And I have this.”

With that he carefully disentangled his hand from Edward’s and slowly started to pull his semi glove off the injured hand. If he was going to be with this marvellous man he might as well show him his darkest secret.

“There. It isn’t pretty. You are lucky that you don’t have to see it.” He felt Edward’s hands searching for his own. Reluctantly he yielded his hand to his partner. Gently Edward’s fingers traced the edges of the bullet wound.

He felt the soft fingers all over the scarred tissue on the back and on the inside of the hand. Then Edward let go of it. “I was always asking myself why you were wearing that glove. I could feel it when you comforted me.”

“But it wasn’t a chance bullet was it?” Wordlessly Thomas fished for his lighter and put it into Edward’s hands. Edward turned it in his hands trying to figure out what Thomas had given him. When he flicked it open by accident he dropped it.

“Ouch. So not by chance. Why did you do it Thomas?” There was no malice in Edward’s words, only wonder. Thomas took his lighter back and pocketed it in his breast pocket. “Because I needed to get out of the Somme. I was dam near a full blown panic attack.”

“They had send me to the field dressing station further back at first, after training. That was in 1915. Then they send us out. Verdun, Ypres, the Somme. We were always put into the worst. Because we were the ones dragging you guys back into those trenches.”

Thomas felt Edward’s hand gently squeeze his arm. “I am sorry Edward. I shouldn’t complain about my fate, least of all to you.” But Edward shook his head. “It is alright Thomas. I remember them all. They call it the Hell at Verdun now, did you know that?” Thomas hadn’t known.

“I only kept going because I had the dream of going back to Oxford once. But I can’t do that now. But I have a new cause now. And we will manage together Thomas.” And he slipped an arm around Thomas and leaned his head against the other man’s shoulder.

Like an afterthought he added “Have you heard about the Christmas 1914 at the French trenches?” He felt Thomas nodding “I was there you know? It was so wonderful. We were singing Silent Night over and over again because it was the only carol we had in common.”

“A Scottish soldier played his pipes and a French one accompanied us on his violin. The next day we played football in No Man’s Land. We even had a little barbecue. Or what would have counted for that in the trenches.”

In the evening we all went back to our respective trenches. And the next morning we were shooting at each other again. Actually pretty sad. But at the same time it is one of my fondest memories.” Edward sniffed a little. Thomas held him tightly.

“I really don’t have any fond memories of that place. None at all. I was on the verge of being given notice up at the house for various reasons. So I decided to postpone that by signing up early. And I went for the medical corps because I thought that would be keeping me from the front.”

“Fat lot of good it did. After that I just tried to survive. And then Mr. Matthew, the heir up at the big house, appeared out of nowhere during a heavy attack. We shared tea that evening and he said to me: War has a way of distinguishing between things that matter and things that don’t.”

“When he left I went in search of a quiet spot. I was so scared I couldn’t even light my cigarette. I just held up the lighter, closed my eyes and prayed. A rifle went off and a second later a sharp pain shot through my hand. I only muttered, Thank you, Thank you, all over.”

“I was send to a hospital in Manchester, since I come from close by, and then got a post here at Downton. And then you came.” Thomas finished his sad story with a smile. “You know I was afraid for you from the moment I lay eyes on you that morning?”

Edward lifted his head from Thomas’ shoulder “Why was that?” But Thomas only shook his head. “No it would not be fair to you. But I guess I don’t have to worry anymore.” And Thomas resolved to talk with Sybil about moving along with the scheme of making the Abbey into a convalescent home. For Edward first and foremost.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked that. Thomas and Edward welcome any kudos and comments you care to leave


	3. A dark night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thomas makes a disturbing discovery

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A dark chapter
> 
> graphic describtion of a suicide(aftermath)
> 
> if that disturbs you don't read the section marked *** ...***

A few days later they got the order they had been fearing since the very beginning. Edward had begun to gain more experience and skill with the long stick for orientation and had come to rely less and less on Thomas for guidance.

Thomas had been put back onto his normal schedule but still spend every possible minute with his boyfriend. It had only been a matter of time Thomas had concluded when Edward had told him one sunny afternoon.

And it had the effect both he and Sybil had feared. Edward was devastated, nobody was able to get through to him. Not even Thomas. All he could do was to hold Edward and try to soothe him somehow.

That was how evening found them. Thomas gently held him close and rubbed small circles on his back. Thomas only wished that Sybil would finally manage to get her parents to let Edward stay at the house. But they were sceptical.

Not only because Edward was blind and needed help with basically everything at first. But also because Sybil let it slip that Edward was bordering on suicide, if he was forced to leave. No wonder Lord and Lady Grantham rather thought twice about this.

Even if Thomas had said that he would stay for the first day or so to settle Edward in. There still was the risk of finding a guest in his bed with his writs slit. And Thomas knew it would be too much to bear.

Not only to the people at the Abbey but to him. He adored Edward. His gentle soul and sunny nature brightened up Thomas’ day considerably. And it was more taxing to him to see Edward in this state than he could have imagined.

No matter how much he was able to prepare for this. No matter that he known from the moment he had set eyes on Edward Courtenay what would happen. But seeing the man he loved falling into this pit was worse than Thomas could have known.

And Thomas knew that he himself was close to a nervous breakdown. Unlike Edward he had been unstable since childhood. It was what had made him treat his environment with such bitterness. It was what had nearly lead him into a full blown panic attack in the trenches.

And he knew it would fling him into yet another pit if Edward would act on an instinct while under a depressive spell. It knocked on the door. Sybil most likely. “Who is it?” Better safe than sorry “It’s me, Sybil. May I come in?” “Yes of course.”

The door opened and Sybil quickly slipped inside. Thomas saw her taking in the scene in front of her. She had seen them holding hands before but never had she seen them being so close. Thomas held his breath.

But Sybil wouldn’t be Sybil if she would have made a single mention of the situation in front of her. “How is he?” Thomas shook his head. Edward hadn’t said a word in hours. Hadn’t even as much as let out a small sob.

Sybil came over to the bed and sat down on the chair that still stood next to the bed. Not that it had been used much. “Edward? Can you hear me? I want to help you. But I need to speak with Thomas on his own. Can you spare him for a few minutes?”

To his relief Edward turned his head towards Sybil. He nodded slowly before disentangling himself from Thomas and curling up under the blanket. Thomas raised an eyebrow at her but she motioned that she would tell him outside.

Thomas quickly checked that Edward was securely tucked in and used the moment to inconspicuously check the bed for possible dangerous objects. His fingers brushed against something sharp.

He sucked in a pained breath. Closing his fist around the object he brought it to the light. He held it up for inspection. It was a razor blade. Sybil’s eyes went wide. Thomas looked at the still form of the man he loved.

Then back to the razor and to Sybil. She carefully took it from him. Gently she placed a hand on his shoulder. Thomas was glad for the support. He still couldn’t believe it. He asked himself what would have happened if he hadn’t found the blade.

He bend down to Edward. He brushed away the curly hair from the kind face. Gently cupping that face he lowered his head and kissed Edward softly upon the lips. Doing anything to show him that he Thomas would be there for him. Quickly he used his free hand to slip it beneath the pillow. But to his relief he didn’t find anything.

When he looked up again he saw Sybil smile at him. “You know people always say how revolting it is when two men kiss. But it looks no different to me than when Mama and Papa kiss. You care for him and you show it. And I can’t find anything wrong with that.”

Once more Thomas smiled at her gratefully. “I am afraid that you are rather alone in your opinion. But thank you.” He got up, casting one last lingering look across the unmoving body on the bed. “Shall we?” Sybil nodded and made her way to the door.

Sybil quietly closed the door and strode over to his room. “Better we don’t take chances Thomas. This will not be nice I fear.” Reluctantly Thomas followed her. He was worried. Surely Sybil’s news couldn’t be that dire?

“What is it Sybil? Please tell me.” He saw how she took a deep breath “Clarkson wants Edward to be on his way to Farley tomorrow by noon. There has been a battle at Arras and the wounded will be coming in by the dozens.”

“And Edward knows this? He hasn’t told me.” In truth Edward hadn’t said a single word to him all day. Sybil nodded. "“Clarkson told him this morning. I thought you knew.” Thomas shook his head. No he hadn’t known.

Why had Edward kept it a secret? Had he wanted to protect him? “And what about your parents? Still no decision?” Sybil shook her head. “There was one. But it was no to both suggestions. I am sorry Thomas.”

Thomas sucked in the air. No he would not cry. He would not. “What about Mrs. Crawley. Wouldn’t she be able to offer him a place?” “Cousin Isobel would love to. But she can’t, there is no space. Same with Granny.”

“You asked the Dowager?” “Yes I did and she said she would take him in if there would be a suitable room.” Thomas sighed. “I think Edward would be glad for any room if it meant that he could stay close.” “Well but you know my grandmother.”

Yes he knew the Dowager Lady Grantham. He sighed. They had to come up with a solution and quick. “Do you think there might be a possibility to give him my old room in the servant’s quarter? Or maybe Tom can give him a place in his cottage?”

Everything was worth a try. But Sybil shook her head sadly. “No I am sorry Thomas. Carson wouldn’t allow it and Tom barely has room for himself.” It was too much. Thomas let out a small sob. Sybil took him into her arms.

It wasn’t so much the prospect that he wouldn’t be able to check on Edward as often if he moved to Farley. No it was the fact that Edward wouldn’t take the risk of going to Farley. And after the discovery they had just made, he knew that Edward would go through with it.

“I have to go to him Sybil. I want to be with him. Tell him that there will be a solution. Show him that I care for him.” Sybil gave him a reassuring pat. “Of course Thomas. Go and be with him.” But the sadness that tinged her voice gave her thoughts away.

Thomas went straight back to Edward. He found the other man sleeping fitfully. Similar to how he did when he first arrived. Thomas pulled up the chair, not wanting to disturb Edward. Carefully he took a shaking hand into his own.

Immediately Edward seemed to relax. Thomas let out a breath. After a couple of minutes Edward woke with a small scream, trembling like a leaf. Thomas immediately abandoned the chair to take Edward back into his arms and hold him.

“It was just a dream Edward. You are safe with me.” He whispered into the brown curls. And finally Edward let go of his emotions. He clung to Thomas and sobbed into the scratchy material of his uniform.

In a way Thomas was relieved that Edward finally was able to vent his emotions. But at the same time it worried him beyond imagination. Finally Edward’s sobs died down. In almost too quiet a whisper he said “But it wasn’t a dream Thomas and I know you can’t keep me here forever. We both know that this can’t last.”

And he buried his face into Thomas’ uniform once more. Thomas couldn’t find the words to form a reply. So he simply held onto Edward and let the other man sob quietly, soaking his uniform in tears during the process.

A knock came and before either one could move the door opened to reveal Major Clarkson. Immediately Clarkson’s brow furrowed as he took in the two men tightly holding onto each other. “Corporal. Wait outside please.”

Thomas had no choice but to obey. Carefully he let go of Edward, making sure to squeeze his hand quickly. But before he could reach the door he heard Edward’s voice behind him. “Let him stay Major. There is nothing new to him in what you want to say.”

Clarkson huffed but didn’t refuse the blind soldier. For which Thomas was incredibly grateful. He went to stand by the door. Years of training as a footman had left him able to stand as inconspicuously as a piece of furniture.

“Lt. Courtenay. I hope I haven’t worried you with my rushed request. But we have been asked to take in some of the wounded from Arras and I am sorry to say that we will be needing every bed. In addition the staff at Farley will be far more able to help you than we are here.”

Thomas waited with baited breath. But Edward astonished him with his calmness. “Yes of course I understand Major. And Corporal Barrow here has been the greatest help I could have had.” Thomas heard Clarkson mumble under his breath “I am sure he has.”

Prick. Thomas doubted that Edward had heard. But once again he was reminded of the sharpened senses of a blind man. “As a matter of fact Major he has indeed done far more than could have been expected of any man in this case. I hope you take that into your considerations.”

Thomas had the immense pleasure of seeing Clarkson at a loss for words. “As you wish Lieutenant. I bid you a good night. Corporal I would think it better if you would leave as well. I need a word with you.” Thomas wiped the smile of his face and nodded curtly.

“Good night Major. And please remember, Corporal Barrow has done nothing wrong.” Clarkson didn’t reply and simply opened the door for Thomas to step through. Outside he rounded on him like Thomas had known he would.

“What was going on between you and Lt. Courtenay when I entered?” Thomas considered briefly. And settled for the story he and Edward had thought up for such a case. “He asked me to hold him. He was afraid and wanted comfort.”

“He told me how his mother had done this whenever he was afraid of something. That was all that happened Major.” Clarkson eyed him warily. “Alright Thomas. As long as it helps him ad there is nothing happening without his consent. But be careful. Somebody else might have drawn a different conclusion.”

Thomas nodded. But at the same time he thought to himself that Clarkson had come to the right conclusion about him and Edward and had decided to let it go. Perhaps because Edward was leaving tomorrow.

But as he wanted to re-enter Edward’s room Clarkson held him back. “Better let him rest now. Besides you look as if you are ready to keel over. Best get some sleep now Corporal. You will be needing your strength tomorrow.”

Well that was probably likely with the new batch of wounded coming in and Edward leaving. But why did Clarkson have that same sad tone in his voice as Sybil had? He was still wondering about that when he dropped onto his bed.

Sometime around two in the night he suddenly jerked awake. He couldn’t rightly say what it was that had woken him but he felt that he couldn’t get back to sleep. He decided to check on Edward for one last time.

 

***

 

Silently he crossed the hallway and pushed open the door on the other side. “Edward?” He called out quietly. Nothing but silence. Then he heard the soft rustle of covers and a high pling as something hit the floor.

Only then did he notice the steady dripping sounds upon the wooden boards of the ward. Suddenly he was overcome by a sense of utter dread. Already fearing what he would find he reached to his left to turn on the lights.

The first thing he noticed was the shiny object on the floor. The blade lay in a pool of dark red blood. Mere inches above the floor a pale hand hung over the edge of the bed. An equally pale arm disappearing under the bloodstained covers.

Curly hair lay damp over a ghostly face. Edward’s eyes were closed. He had already passed out from the loss of too much blood. A barely audible groan startled Thomas from his stupor. He quickly went over to the bed.

He felt for a pulse at the neck. He didn’t dare to hope to find anything. He had known it. Deep down he had known that Edward would try. He had been far too composed and cheerful when Clarkson had visited him.

But Thomas had refused to see what had been plain in front of his eyes. Now the compassionate looks and sad tones of Sybil and Clarkson made sense. Gently he moved his hand from Edward’s neck to his face.

“Edward? Can you hear me?” Another groan as well as a still surprisingly strong pulse affirmed him that not all was too late. Thomas stood up and raced to the storeroom to get bandages. Before entering the room once more he contemplated for a split second if he should let Edward have his wish.

But his mind kicked into gear and he forbade himself any such thoughts. He quickly entered and shut the door behind him. Gently, ever so gently he bandaged the wrists of the man that meant his life to him at the moment. Luckily Edward hadn’t managed to cut too deep, the cuts would heal easily.

All the while he quietly chided the unconscious man for his foolishness. He made himself take the blanket away to search for possible try out wounds. Some men did that. They cut into the flesh of their legs or belly to test the best way to cut through their veins.

He nearly collapsed at the sight of the top of Edward’s pants. There was more blood than he could possibly have imagined. And he knew what Edward had done before he even removed the bloody pants. Edward was too clever for try outs.

Instead he had cut through the pulse vein on the inside of his hip. It was a tricky wound because it was hard to properly tie a bandage into place while putting on enough pressure to stop the bleeding. “Dam Edward. You are too clever for your own good.” Thomas muttered under his breath.

He took a full roll of gauze and pressed it onto the cut. Then he gently pulled Edward towards him using another bandage to firmly fix the roll into place. That would have to do for now. He covered Edward with the bloody blanket and went in search of a new pair of pyjamas and new covers.

It wasn’t a question anymore if Edward would be leaving on the morrow. He doubted that his partner would even be awake by noon. And while he redressed him and changed the covers he realized that Edward was the first of lost causes that had survived.

And he knew why he had woken up without a visible reason. He loved Edward and Edward loved him and when you shared that kind of bond you felt if the other was in danger. He had felt when Edward had slit his writs and hip. And he had woken to save him.

Gosh he was getting soppy on his old days. Thomas tried for a lopsided grin at himself but it wouldn’t come. He was too worried. Only now did he realize that the razor was still laying on the floor next to the bed.

He looked at it. At the slim blade covered in drying blood. It rested in a pool of dark blood which slowly spread along the crevices of the floor boards. He really ought to clean it up. But he was mesmerized by the reflection of the moonlight on the blade, contrasted by the dark rivulets of blood running over the floor.

He pulled himself away from the sight angrily. Looking around for something to use for cleaning up he grabbed a towel and started mopping up the blood before it could seep any deeper into the wood.

Afterwards he chucked the soiled towel as well as sheets and Edward’s pyjamas into the common waste container outside before returning once more to Edward’s bedside. He turned out the light and seated himself on the chair nearby.

 

***

 

As he watched Edward slip deeper into a blood loss induced sleep he slowly began to realize what had just happened. He supposed he must have been under shock when he saw Edward covered in blood and his military training had kicked in.

But the fact remained that the man he loved had tried to end his life. And that bit deeply at him. That their love and care for each other hadn’t stopped Edward from going through with it. “Why Edward? Why did you do this to us?” He whispered into the darkness.

And then he felt a hot tear running his cheek. He buried his face into his hands and cried quietly in the darkness. With a tear strained voice he told the man on the bed “I was looking for a place for you here you know?”

“Me and Sybil both. You would never had to leave. And you won’t have to now. We will get those stuck ups at the Abbey to grant us our own convalescent home. And you and me, we will make do up there. You will not be alone anymore. I promise you Edward. I promise.”


	4. Confessions and new plans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The morning after. Thomas may hope

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not much to say.  
> Poor Thomas as per usual
> 
> enjoy

Morning found them still in their respective positions. And so did Sybil Crawley. “Thomas?” He didn’t look up, his voice was hoarse from crying when he replied “What is it Sybil?” She came over. When she saw the bandages around Edward’s wrists and how his chest slowly rose and fell in laboured breaths, she turned to Thomas.

Coming over to him she gently took his hands in hers. “We knew this would happen Thomas. But you should still tell me how you managed to save him.” Her voice was soft in comfort and understanding. Thomas finally looked at her.

“I woke up in the middle of the night and didn’t know why. I decided to check on him one last time. I had a weird feeling. When Clarkson had visited earlier Edward was far too composed and cheerful. I was worried.”

Sybil simply nodded. “Sybil?” Thomas regained a bit of composure. “Yes Thomas?” “Do you think we can get your parents to agree to the scheme with the convalescent home now? So his pain wasn’t in vain?”

He gently took hold of one if Edward’s hands as he said it. It was the first time he had touched him since he had bound up his wounds the previous night. The skin was still clammy. And suddenly he wasn’t sure if Edward would make it after all.

Sybil looked from Thomas to Edward and back. Then she nodded. “Yes I think we can make them do it. You, me, Cousin Isobel and Major Clarkson. And we will do it for him.” She gestured to the pale, still body on the bed.

Thomas was so grateful. Even if Edward had to take this severe step to make it happen. But now they would not be torn apart any time soon. Enough time to think about a future. “Thomas? You should go to Clarkson.”

“Before he comes up here. You have to tell him and you have to use the moment to get him to agree to the entire scheme with the Abbey.” Thomas understood the implication behind the words. “But what about him? I can’t leave him now.”

“He will be sleeping for at least three more hours Thomas. I will stay here. And I won’t let him out of my eyes I promise you.” Reluctantly Thomas stood from the chair he had been sitting on for hours now.

Casting on last, lingering look at Edward he made his way towards the door. Only to turn around, bent down and press a kiss to his brow. Lovingly he brushed the curls away from the still ghostly face. “I’ll be back soon Edward. I’ll always be back.”

“You better go Thomas. Clarkson will soon be on his round. You have to catch him beforehand.” He stood back up, nodded and left the room. He found Clarkson still in his room, preparing for his daily round.

“Major.” Clarkson nodded in greeting “Corporal. Is Lt. Courtenay ready for his move?” Thomas took a deep breath, catching Clarkson’s attention. “No Sir. He will not be ready today. Nor for some time to come.”

And like Sybil, Clarkson understood the implication behind Thomas’ words. Taking in the young man’s red eyes and heavy bags und those eyes, along with the devastated posture, he came to nearly the right conclusion.

“We knew what sort of patient he was when he first arrived Barrow. It was only a matter of time.” He clasped Thomas shoulder. “I got to him in time, Sir. I woke up during the night and went to check on him because I was worried.”

“He is sleeping now and Nurse Crawley is keeping watch.” Clarkson nodded thoughtfully. “Well done Barrow. And I take it that you would like to stay at his side for the time being?” Thomas nodded. “Alright. You are released from your other duties until further notification, Corporal.”

Thomas swallowed nervously. “Anything else Corporal?” “Yes. Nurse Crawley and I wondered whether this changes the plans for the conversion of the Abbey into a convalescent home.” Clarkson looked at him curiously.

“I was always for the idea, Thomas. And yes I think this changes a lot. But one problem remains. I have no one to put in charge. I have to remain here and I would rather not put Mrs. Crawely against her Ladyship.”

Thomas took up all his courage as he suggested “Might I be of help? I have the medical background and I know the house and the people there.” Clarkson looked him up and down. “Yes that might work.”

“We would have to have you promoted first, but it might just be the best thing. And you might take Nurse Crawley as your assistant. That way Lady Grantham will be more inclined to our plight.” Clarkson nodded to himself.

“Let me speak to Mrs. Crawley and Nurse Crawley first. Then I will go up to the house. I take it you would rather remain here?” Thomas nodded. “You would have to oversee the new patients while I am away. Can you manage that?”

“Yes Sir. Thank you Sir.” Thomas was moved. That much could be said. He knew of course that Clarkson did not do it because he approved of him and Edward or to keep Edward here. But it was in his interests to have a convalescent home close to the hospital.

And the Abbey had no real purpose. Also except Sybil, William, Mr. Matthew, Mrs. Crawely and Thomas himself nobody contributed in any real fashion to the war effort. Not Lord Grantham who continuously strutted about wearing an old uniform from the Boers.

Not Lady Grantham, knitting scarves, Not Lady Edith, driving about. Lady Mary didn’t even do that. None of the servants did much good either. Though he had heard that Mrs. Patmore and Mrs. Bird of Crawley house had opened a soup kitchen for invalid soldiers.

And of course Tom Branson who had been dismissed from service before he had even been called up. Thomas was rather amused at Tom’s opinion that he had been declared unfit for service because he was an Irish revolutionary.

Then the armed forces would have had to call most of Ireland’s male population unfit for service. On account of a very worried Sybil he had checked Branson’s heart on a regular basis. Even he, with his more than limited medical knowledge had been able to hear the heart murmur that had gotten Branson out of service.

But he had told Sybil that as long as he felt well, there wasn’t any danger for Branson. ”Corporal? Are you quite well?” Thomas snapped out of his day dreams. “Yes Sir. I am sorry, I was miles away. When will the new wounded arrive?”

“Around midday. I know that you will do your duty despite your personal strains at the moment. I take it that Lt. Courtenay wounds have been attended to in the best possible manner?” “Yes of course Sir. And I shall do my duty as is expected of me.”

Clarkson nodded. “I will be on my round then. Please send Nurse Crawley down. Do you want me to check on Lt. Courtenay?” “I am not sure Sir that there is anything that you could do for him at the moment.”

Clarkson nodded once more. Then he picked up his papers and went to the door. On his way he gently put a hand on Thomas’ arm. “Just be careful Thomas. It will serve neither him nor you if anyone would suspect something awry.”

Thomas simply nodded his head in respect and went to open the door. Old habits die hard he mused. Then he went back upstairs to relay Clarkson’s message to Sybil and to continue his watch over Edward.

Carefully he opened the door and quickly closed it behind him. “How was he?” He went over to the bed and kissed Edward gently on the forehead. “Unchanged I fear. But he has been mumbling your name once or twice.”

“He has been awake?” Sybil shook her head. “No but it can’t be long now.” Thomas nodded “You better go down. Clarkson wants you on his round. And he has agreed to the scheme, the full scheme.”

Sybil smiled “Congratulations Sergeant Barrow.” Now even Thomas managed a small smile. “Thank you. And he has suggest that I make you my assistant. So he can sway your parents more easily.” Sybil laughed quietly “Sneaky doctor Clarkson. But I am on your side Thomas.”

A barely audible groan drew both their eyes to the man on the bed. Thomas was at his side in an instant. “Don’t tell Thomas. Please.” The barely audible whisper brought tears to Thomas eyes. “Mustn’t know.” And with that Edward sunk back into deep sleep.

“Edward? It is me, Thomas. Can you hear me?” But Edward didn’t reply. Thomas looked at Sybil who had clutched her hands over her mouth. “What did he mean Sybil? What was it that I wasn’t to know?”

Sybil avoided his eyes. Thomas got up and grabbed her by the arms. “Sybil what has he told you? Please just tell me.” She took a step backwards thereby effectively ridding herself of his grasp. She had an incredible sad look in her eyes.

“He told me, Thomas. He told me that he would leave that very night. I imagine he also told Clarkson. And he was insistent that you weren’t to be told. He wouldn’t take no for an answer. He didn’t want you to suffer. And especially he didn’t want to disappoint you.”

“He loves you so much that he wanted to protect you from anything to do with his troubles. He told me to be in early today so it wouldn’t be you who found him. He told me how you worried for him since he arrived.”

“And that you wouldn’t tell him why but that you wouldn’t have to worry anymore. He knew what you were talking about, Thomas. And he didn’t want to hurt you.” Thomas had sunken down onto the bed.

He had guessed it. Had known since Sybil and Clarkson had been so considerate with him. But he hadn’t wanted to believe it. And yet somehow he couldn’t find it in himself to condemn either of them.

But he needed some time to himself. When he spoke his voice was hoarse with emotion. “You better go Sybil. Clarkson will be waiting for you. I will see you at midday.” With that he turned towards Edward.

“Thomas?” Her voice was full of concern. “Please go Sybil. You have done nothing wrong. But I need some time for myself. So please do this for me Nurse Crawley.” She looked worried but in the end she left.

Only then did Thomas bury his face in his hands and cried. The man he loved had tried to protect him from himself. Had tried to conceal his suicide from him to bloody protect him. Not noticing how Thomas would have conceded to his every wish.

Even if that wish was death. But he hadn’t realized that. Hadn’t seen how Thomas would have stayed with him until the end. Hell he would even have gotten some sleeping pills to make his passing as painless as possible.

But Edward had chosen a different path and Thomas was unwilling to let him go that way. In stealth and evasion. If Edward still wanted to go he was welcome to it as much as it pained him to say that. But if it was Edward’s wish Thomas would accept that.

A stifled groan jerked him from his dark thoughts. “Edward?” The unconscious man jerked his head to either side. When he tried to roll over Thomas quickly grabbed him by the shoulders. He couldn’t risk Edward ripping open the cut on his hip.

Soon Edward quieted again. But his eyelids fluttered. Thomas kept his cheek cupped in his hand and at the same time gently stroke the other’s face. “Edward? Are you awake? Please say something.” There was urgency in his voice.

Heavy eyelids slowly opened. Only to flutter close once more. “Thomas.” He croaked. “Yes Edward. It is me.” Thomas’ eyes teared up and despite the dire situation he smiled. Tears fell upon Edward’s face.

The other man tried to reach up only to find that he was too weak. But Thomas had felt the effort and gently took Edward’s hand to press it to his own cheek. Edward smiled weakly. “So you found me in time did you?”

Thomas nodded knowing that Edward could feel the motion. “Bastard.” Thomas suck in a sharp breath at the foul word. “I wanted to go Thomas. Why couldn’t you let me?” Thomas teared up once more.

“Because I love you Edward. And because there was no need for you to go anywhere.” “Pah” Edward’s voice grew weaker until it was barely a whisper. But Thomas grabbed him by the shoulder. “You would have had a bed at the Abbey or with Mrs. Crawley, if you had just said a word.”

But Edward was asleep again. Maybe that was for the best Thomas thought. He heard a commotion outside and remembered the wounded from Arras. He stood up. Hopefully Sybil had already sorted out the beds with the other nurses.

But he didn’t want to leave Edward. Not now. A knock came and Mrs. Crawley entered. “How is he? Sybil told me what happened. I am sorry Thomas.” “Well he is not dead isn’t he? Can you stay with him while I get the soldiers settled in?”

His words came out sharper than intended but Mrs. Crawley didn’t seem to be insulted. “Of course Thomas. In fact Sybil had sent me up with just the same request. Go I’ll take care of him.” Thomas nodded gratefully.

“He has woken up once already. If he does again before I am back please tell him why I had to go and that I’ll be back as soon as possible.” Mrs. Crawley nodded. “Of course Thomas. Now off with you. Do your duty.”

He was thankful to Mrs. Crawley for her resolute manners. It felt good not to be met with pity for once. He hastened down the stairs and towards the front ward and snatched up a pen and a clipboard in the process.

The accompanying officer handed him the lists with names and injuries. Thomas quickly scanned it for any hard cases or hopeless ones but at first glance didn’t see any. A bit of gassing though. Dam Germans and their mustard gas.

“Where is Major Clarkson, Corporal? We were supposed to be reporting to him.” Thomas turned to the officer. “Major Clarkson has been called to treat someone at the Abbey, Sir. He is still the only doctor in this village. I am filling in for him.”

At the sceptical glance he added “I am quite capable Captain. I have done this for more than a year now and have served in the RAMC since the beginning of the War.” The Captain seemed satisfied. Thomas saw Sybil coming their way.

“Nurse Crawley. How many beds are free in the second day room? We have quite some gassing cases and I would like them to be housed together.” Sybil nodded. “I’ll see to it Corporal. Captain, could you please arrange for your patients to be brought to the last room on the left?”

The Captain saluted and Thomas returned it. He quickly made his way through the front Ward and the first day room, checking everything was sorted before helping to move the wounded soldiers into their respective beds.

After one last round to make sure everything was as it should and that the worst cases had been seen to he made his way back towards the stairs leading up to the pregnancy ward. He had made sure that nobody would be housed in any of the screened off sections had been re occupied.

He wanted to give Edward some privacy. “Corporal Barrow?” He turned around. Major Clarkson had returned. “They have agreed with the scheme. We will start moving soldiers there from next Monday on.”

He handed Thomas a V shaped piece of fabric. “Congratulations Sergeant. Has everything been seen to here?” Thomas took the offered symbol of his new rank. He would have to sew it on his uniform later. “Thank you, Sir.”

“We had a few cases of gassing. But merely burns and no cases of injury to the eyes. We have put them into the second day room. The others have been taken care of. But you might want to take a look at some of them. I marked them on the papers.”

He handed his clipboard over and Clarkson quickly scanned the rows for Thomas’ notes. “Thank you Sergeant. You have done a good job. Now back to your duty.” Thomas saluted and went up the stairs. Quickly he collected his sewing things from his room before returning to Edward’s

“Mrs. Crawley. Has something changed while I was gone?” She got up. “No, he has been asleep since you left. I see that you have been promoted?” She motioned to the piece of cloth in his hand. “Yes but only as long as I run the convalescent home at the Abbey.”

A big smile appeared on her face. “Oh I am so glad that they agreed.” Thomas found it in him to smile back “As am I Mrs. Crawley. As am I. And Mrs. Crawley.” She turned around. “Could please send Sybil up here?” “Of course.”

After she had gone Thomas sat down next to Edward on the bed. “Edward?” He took his hand. But Edward didn’t reply. Thomas resolved to change the bandages on his wrists. He would need to ask permission to change the one on his hip.

It wouldn’t do if Edward woke to find him working there. So he fetched the bandages from the side board and carefully began to unwrap the ones on Edward’s wrists. He didn’t notice how Edward’s eyes opened at the motion.

“Does it look bad?” Thomas nearly dropped the hand he was holding. “Yes. Not ugly like my hand but you managed to go quite deep.” Quickly he rewrapped the wrist and did the other one as well. “I am sorry Thomas. I didn’t want you to see this.”

Thomas sighed and took both of Edward’s hands into his. “I know Edward. Sybil told me this morning.” Instead of a reply Edward just groaned in frustration. “You know you didn’t have to leave?” Edward nodded.

“You said so this morning. But they won’t have me now will they? So all for naught.” “No. They won’t have a choice now. As from next week on the Abbey will be a convalescent home and I will head the staff there.”

And to his great relief Edward managed a weak smile. “And I take it this has nothing to do with me?” Thomas squeezed his hands “It has everything to do with you. I believe that Clarkson told them about why you did what you did and it made them change their minds.”

Another groan. Edward was rather embarrassed it seemed. “Thank you Thomas. It was so dark yesterday. And I received a letter from home. Sybil read it to me.” He gestured in the vague direction of his nightstand.

“Read it Thomas. But not loud I beg you.” Thomas picked it up and opened it. While he read those damning words from Edward’s family the other man continued. “Jack has always been at my throat for my position as heir.”

“Always claimed I was unfit. That I was weak and had no possibility of managing neither myself nor the estate. Called me names. And now this.” He gestured to the letter Thomas was still holding. “It was the last straw.”

“I am sorry Thomas. I should have come to you. But I knew that you would try to persuade me otherwise. I didn’t want to put you through all that misery.” But Thomas only put his hand on the other’s shoulder.

“You are not a victim. Don’t let them make you into one.” Thomas meant it. “You know when you talk like that I almost believe you.” Thomas trailed his fingers over Edward’s cheek. “I mean it Edward. You are brave.”

But Edward just huffed. “No I am serious. You went through the War. And even if it was not a nice thing to do you refrained from telling me about your plans. And you went through with them. That takes a different kind of courage but it is courage nonetheless. So don’t call yourself a coward Edward.”

Just as Edward was about to reply somebody knocked on the door. “May I come in?” Sybil. “Of course.” Thomas called out. Sybil came in. “Cousin Isobel said that you wanted to see me?” “Yes. I wanted to say sorry for this morning.”

“Don’t worry Thomas. You were in shock and it wasn’t really nice of either of us to keep you from knowing. Especially unkind from you Edward Courtenay.” Edward shook his head. “You both know why I didn’t want to tell him. But that is of little matter now.”

Thomas stroke his hand gently. “No it doesn’t matter anymore. But Sybil I wanted to ask you something. You will still be coming up as head of the nursing staff right?” “Yes why?” “Because we need to get things organized. And I can’t go up to the big house at the moment.”

“Don’t let me keep you from doing your duty Thomas. You have done more than enough already.” “I promised you I would stay and I will stay. Besides Clarkson has made you my single duty at the moment. Sybil?”

Sybil had followed their short exchange with knowing eyes “Of course Thomas. What do you need to know?” And so they set to developing a plan how to convert a house designed for stately living into a convalescent home for more than 200 wounded men.

When they were done and Sybil had promised to check it at location and to push it past her parents’ objections, she got up and motioned Thomas to follow her. Edward had fallen asleep some time during their planning.

He quickly pressed a kiss to the hand he was still holding and followed Sybil out of the room. “Where do you want to put him?” She gestured at the door. He shrug. “Well I’ll be living back in my old room in the servants’ quarters.”

“So it will have to be one close to the service door in the bachelor’s corridor.” Sybil nodded thoughtfully. “What about the red room then? Where Mr. Pamuk as staying?” “No” he immediately replied.

“It is so dark.” He tried for an explanation at seeing the curios glance Sybil cast him at the instant reply. “What about Fontainebleau then? It is nice and airy and it is right opposite the servants’ door.” Thomas nodded.

But then he remembered something. “Is it habitable again? I thought there had been a water break in last fall? I wasn’t aware it had been fixed.” “Mr. Carson has seen to it. It is perfectly fine now.” She put her hands on his shoulders.

“We will get through this Thomas. You will see.” She took him into her arms. Thomas was glad for the comfort she offered him. “But you need to get some sleep Thomas. And no discussion. It won’t help Edward if you were to drop dead from exhaustion.”

“Let’s share the watches. Let me and Cousin Isobel take over some of the nights. One night you and one night one of us.” Thomas nodded against her shoulder. “Alright. But don’t let him goad you into stupid promises again.”

She laughed. “No Thomas. But I believe he won’t keep anything from you this time. You showed him how much he means to you. And he treasures that. Well I must be going. I’ll be back by ten.” He smiled at her. “Thank you Sybil. You are a great friend you know that?”

She just squeezed him one last time and then went down to her duties again. When he re-entered the room Edward was still asleep. He sat on the chair and took of his uniform jacket. Sighing he set to fixing the signs of his new rank onto the arms.

“She is right you know.” Thomas jerked at the sudden voice and promptly pricked his finger with the needle. “Ouch.” He put his finger into his mouth. Edward only giggled. An adorable sound. “Sorry, didn’t know you were handling dangerous instruments.”

Thomas took the offended finger from his mouth. “Never mind. I was just sewing on some things. How am I to know you are awake in any case? Sometime your eyes are closed sometimes they are open.”

“You just lie there not making a sound no matter whether you sleep or not.” Edward chuckled. “Come here will you?” Thomas abandoned his uniform and sat at his side. “It is always dark for me. Sometimes I just forget to close my eyes.”

“Besides you have pretty much tied me down. The bandage on my hip is pretty tight and those pants too small. I can’t really move.” “Shall I find you other ones? We ought to have some around here.” Thomas rose.

After some rummaging through the store cupboard he found a pair that would fit Edward. Last night he had just grabbed the nearest pair. When he got back Edward had already thrown of the covers. “Edward? I will have to change the bandage on your hip as well.”

Without replying Edward tugged at his pants. “Wait Edward. Please.” He stilled the frantic hands with his own. “Is that okay for you? Or shall I call a nurse?” Edward breathed a soft laugh. “Oh Thomas. You have seen me naked before. Go on.”

Thomas still hesitated. “But you were unconscious at the time.” “Daft beggar. Do your duty Thomas Barrow.” Finally Edward had managed to free himself of offending hands and garments. He lay on his side making it easier for Thomas to reach the bandage.

Carefully Thomas undid the bandage, aware of not touching anywhere else but the bandage itself. Edward was completely relaxed. Thomas was moved by the trust of the other man. Deciding that it wouldn’t need another pressure roll he unrolled yet another bandage.

Carefully he placed the end over Edward’s hip and held it tight. When he slowly unrolled the rest of the bandage he accidentally brushed against the curve of Edward’s backside. Quickly he withdrew his hand but Edward only sighed contently.

And Thomas smiled. He trailed his fingers over the soft skin as he continued to wrap the bandage. When he was done he pulled up Edward’s pants again. He looked up to check his face for any negative emotion.

But Edward was pouting. “That was mean Edward. What if anyone came in just now? You bottomless and me in my shirt? But the other man just giggled. Once again Thomas marvelled at that wonderful sound.

“Come here and kiss me, you fool.” Thomas was very happy to oblige. But Edward grabbed him by the arms and pulled him unto the bed. Thomas was surprised at the strength Edward had after that night’s events.

But he didn’t have much time to wonder as Edward pulled him close and gently kissed him. Thomas was happy. He kissed Edward back with equal gentleness and held him. He felt his partner’s arms ghosting over the front of his shirt.

“Hm, I should have discovered the pleasantries of a footman sooner than this.” He kept his hands on Thomas’ well-toned abdomen. Thomas chuckled then but grew serious again. “You seem rather bright after a night like this.”

Now the small smile on Edward’s face vanished as well. “I don’t want to think or speak about it now Thomas. Please respect that.” Thomas cupped his cheek. “Of course Edward. Whatever you want. But at one time I need to know.”

Edward nodded. “But not now. Please.” Instead of an answer Thomas just kissed him again. They held onto each other for some time. Only when Thomas noticed that it was getting dark outside, he carefully disentangled himself from the man in his arms.

He had felt Edward fall asleep maybe an hour earlier. Silently he took up his needle and his jacket once more. While he was stitching away he contemplated how their relationship had changed during the last twenty four hours.

Before they had been more like best friends. Except for a few stolen kisses and holding hands whenever possible. But only now Thomas began to feel the connection they shared. They had found a closeness and trust that he had never before felt for anybody.

It made him quite dizzy truth be told. So that was what was being in love like. Suddenly he understood Sybil better. How she stuck with Tom no matter the odds. How Tom himself was worried sick whenever Sybil was out of sight.

He understood Lady Mary and Mr. Matthew. Even Lord and Lady Grantham. No matter how soppy it sounded but Thomas realized how lucky he was with a person at his side that loved him and whom he loved back.

“You done sewing that?” Again Thomas jerked and pricked his finger. “Honestly Edward. Just rustle the sheets or move before you say something. My poor fingers won’t survive many more attacks.” Edward smiled.

It knocked and Sybil entered. She raised an eyebrow at Thomas state of undress but he held up the jacket and the needle in excuse. She just mildly shook her head. “Honestly Thomas. What if it hadn’t been me?”

“Same answer Sybil.” She sighed exasperated. Well you get to your own bed now. It is ten o’clock. And get that sewing done. I guess you have been trying to complete it since lucnch.” This time both men chuckled. “Honestly, you two are impossible.” Sybil reprimanded them.

But she smiled as she said it. Thomas sighed. “Alright, just give us a moment will you?” She just smiled knowingly. Then she stepped outside and closed the door behind her. Thomas switched his seating spot once more.

Tangling his fingers with Edward’s he bend down and kissed him. Edward lifted a still rather weak hand to trace Thomas cheekbones. “I wish I could see you. But to me you would be the prettiest man alive no matter your looks.”

“Then you are lucky that I have been called handsome before. By women and men both. So you don’t need to worry. And I don’t care that you can’t see, Edward. I love you either way.” A big smile broke out on Edward’s face at the words. “I love you too Thomas. I do so much love you.”

They kissed again, their touches gentle as always but filled with all the closeness and love they shared. "You best go now. Before Sybil throws a tantrum. Goodnight Thomas.” “Goodnight my dear.” One last quick kiss and Thomas rose.

He collected his jacket and his sewing box and made his way to the door. He was about to open it when Edward’s voice kept him back. “Thomas?” Thomas turned around “Yes?” “Thank you.” Thomas smiled sadly. “You are welcome Edward.”

He opened the door and stepped outside. Sybil smiled at him as she went inside. “Goodnight Thomas.” “Goodnight Sybil. And thank you.” “Of course Thomas. We are friends.” He crossed the hallway and entered his room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally we arrived at the base of a steep hill. Now all they have to do is to climb it.


	5. A very good move

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Edward and Thomas arrive at the Abbey

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A happy chapter. Because it is so much needed after the gloom

Edward recovered well and finally they were able to move the first batch of patients to the Abbey. Thomas had been there the whole day already, checking that everything was ready and enjoying his time getting all grand with Carson.

It felt nice that for once it was him giving the orders. Carson was not amused to say the least. But that didn’t matter to Thomas. He had moved back into his old room and had found it and the rest of the house much unchanged.

The rooms in the bachelor’s corridor had been made ready and the drawing as well as the dining room changed into a ward with fifty beds each. The library had been converted into a recreation room of sorts.

The family used the boudoir as their dining room and the small library as well as the smoking room as recreative rooms. He admired their will to cut back for the sake of men completely unknown to them.

He was still in the great hall, checking that the tables for the officers had been sat up correctly when somebody touched his arm. “Sergeant. Would you be so kind to show me to my room?” Thomas quickly looked around.

Seeing nobody else in the room, he quickly pecked Edward on the lips. Much to the other’s surprise and Sybil’s amusement. Of course she had accompanied him. “What are you two doing here so early?”

“We thought it better to bring certain soldiers in early, Sergeant. As it seems that was a good idea.” Thomas chuckled. “It certainly was.” Seeing Mrs. Hughes coming through the servants’ door her changed his tone.

“If you will please follow me Lieutenant? Best hold onto my arm though.” By now Mrs. Hughes had reached them. She looked at Edward’s arm on Thomas’ and seemed as if she wanted to say something.

But Edward seemed to have sensed her reluctance. “I am blind Mrs.” Mrs. Hughes gaze grew mild. To people who didn’t know about it, Edward’s eyes looked normal. Only up close one could see the burn scars around them.

“Oh. I am sorry Sir. My name is Mrs. Hughes, I am the housekeeper here. It seems as Sergeant Barrow has everything under control then.” Edward smiled kindly “He has, Mrs. Hughes thank you. I am Edward Courtenay.”

Mrs. Hughes nodded at them all, then remembered that Edward couldn’t see that and said “Well then Lt. Courtenay. Welcome at Downton.” “Thank you Mrs. Hughes. Sergeant, we should get going.” Thomas was only all too happy to agree.

He tipped his cap “Mrs Hughes, Nurse Crawley.” Carefully he led Edward up the grand staircase. Somehow he had the notion that Edward didn’t use his stick properly on purpose. “What are you doing?”

“Leaning into you, what do you think? You were gone too long.” Thomas tried to keep his face straight. Edward continued “Besides I’ve got a wound on my hip and that twisted ankle isn’t healed entirely either.”

“Cheeky” Thomas breathed when he spotted Anna coming through the door. So he said out loud “Here we are Lt. Courtenay. You will be comfortable once we get you back into bed.” He smiled at Anna.

“Oh yes I will be.” Edward whispered almost too quietly to hear. Thomas worriedly looked at Anna. But she didn’t seem to have heard. But Edward wasn’t done. “Who is the lady that we just came across?”

Anna realized much sooner than Mrs. Hughes that Edward couldn’t see her. “Anna Smith. Head housemaid.” She introduced herself. “How do you do Ms. Smith?” Anna rolled her eyes and continued on to Lady Mary’s room.

Thomas opened the door into another room in which he already had put Edward’s few belongings. He led Edward inside and closed the door behind them. Promptly Edward turned around and kissed him full on the lips.

His aim was a little off but Thomas didn’t care. He kissed back with the same urgency. “Edward. We have to be careful. Here even more than at the hospital.” Edward pouted. “I mean it. At any time somebody can walk in on us.”

He let go of his partner. “And now you better get yourself some bearing in this room. I have to be back downstairs when the other patients arrive. He moved away before Edward could grab him. It had become kind of a game between them after Edward had been able to get out of bed again.

In the beginning Edward hadn’t really wanted to get up and move around. Only then had Thomas glimpsed a bit of Edward’s true despair. Had seen how the young man had given up. He had been devastated at first.

But then his fighting spirit had returned and he had started on plans to make Edward move out of bed and get to use that stick of his. The orientation game had been the greatest success. Thomas moved away and Edward had to find him again.

With time Thomas had increased the difficulty by moving furniture around or making a labyrinth with chairs and tables. The reward for Edward when he finally found Thomas always was a kiss. And slowly Edward had developed a kind of ambition to find Thomas.

And therefore Edward set out once more to find Thomas who had sat himself on an armchair by the, fortunately, unlit fireplace. Promptly he ran into a bedpost because he had forgotten to use his stick in his haste to get to Thomas.

“Ouch” Edward felt around to see what he had run into. Tentatively he sat on the bed. “Feels comfy.” Still Thomas didn’t reply. It would have given the game away. Sighing Edward got up again. “Don’t you have to be downstairs, instead of playing hide and seek with me?”

No answer. Soon Thomas heard the swishing sound of the stick over the carpet. He closed his eyes. Even if he wasn’t blind he enjoyed how his hearing picked up once he closed his eyes. He heard the sound of Edward approaching.

Then a hand upon his shoulder and a kiss on the top of his head. “Oy. You are sitting. That’s unfair.” But they both laughed. Thomas rose. He encircled Edward with his arms bringing him close. He kissed him as gentle as always.

“You were right I have to go. Clarkson would probably hit the roof if he finds me missing from my post. I’ll see you later. Try not to get to many dents into your beautiful head.” Edward laughed at that.

Thomas arrived in the great hall just as Clarkson came through the doors. “Sergeant. I trust you settled Lt. Courtenay in?” Thomas stood to attention “Yes, Sir. I was just awaiting the other wounded officers.”

Clarkson motioned him to stand down. Thomas relaxed. “Very well. The first ambulance is right behind me. They should be here any moment. So are the hosts it seems.” Thomas looked around. Lord and Lady Grantham were coming from the drawing room together with their daughters.

“Major, Sergeant.” Lord Grantham greeted. “Lord Grantham, Ladies. Are you ready for the arrivals?” Thomas nodded his greetings but didn’t speak. “Well we have to don’t we?” “I hope we haven’t rushed you too much with this.”

“Major Clarkson. I think you know the impression you have given us to sway us. At which we would like to meet the young man you and Lady Sybil have told us about.” Thomas held his breath. Why in god’s name did Lord Grantham wish to meet Edward?

“Sergeant Barrow?” “Yes Major?” “Could you show Lord and Lady Grantham to Lt. Courtenay’s room?” “Of course, Major.” At the questioning look from Lord Grantham Thomas added “Lt. Courtenay has been moved here earlier today due to his condition. So if you would follow me, I’ll announce you.”

Five minutes later they had arrived at Edward’s door. “Why has he been given this room? Isn’t it a bit far from the common rooms?” “Lt. Courtenay prefers to spent time on his own. He feels uncomfortable around people he doesn’t know and of course can’t see.”

“We have thought a bit about that. Quite a bit actually.” “He is fine My Lord. He just doesn’t like too many people around him.” “And we shall respect that. I take it that he eats in his room?” “Yes My Lord he does.”

Thomas knocked. At Edward’s reply he opened the door and announced his Lordship and Lady Grantham. Edward wanted to get up from the chair he had been sitting in. Somehow he had managed to drag it to the window.

Thomas was impressed. “Lt. Courtenay. Sergeant Barrow here has informed us about your situation. As have our daughter and Major Clarkson.” “I am alright Lord Grantham. Just a little bored to be honest.” Lord Grantham nodded and turned to his wife.

“On that account maybe we have solution. Sybil has told us that you used to love to read is that correct?” Lady Grantham asked kindly “Yes Lady Grantham. But I can’t anymore so I have to find other occupations for my time.”

“But that is just the thing Lt. Courtenay. We have several books in Braille writing and also some that teach you to read it.” Edward gave a little gasp of surprise. “Really Lady Grantham? That would be so kind of you.”

“Nonsense I shall have someone bring them up soon. Maybe Sergeant Barrow can help you at the beginning?” She turned to Thomas but it was Edward who answered. “That would be very useful Lady Grantham. He has after all been assigned my personal attendant by Major Clarkson.”

“Then it is decided. Welcome to Downton Lt. Courtenay.” “Thank you Lady Grantham. And please may I request that you don’t tell my parents that I am here? I didn’t leave them on good terms and would rather not speak to them.”

Well that was one way to put it Thomas presumed. “Of course Lt. Courtenay. Whatever you wish. I’ll look in later to see whether the books got to you safely.” “Thank you Lady Grantham you are very generous.”

“Not a bit. Lt. Courtenay. Rest now.” “I’ll again thank you.” The Granthams left and Thomas made sure they got away before closing the door. “That went better than I thought. I was rather nervous when they requested to meet you.”

Edward smiled. “They are nice. You had a good place here.” “Kind of. The family is nice. The Butler isn’t, neither the Valet.” “Well you can’t have anything I guess.” “On which note I have to get back to the hall. I’ll come back later.”

They kissed. “Yes you said so.” It was Thomas time to chuckle. “I told you I would always be back. And I will.” With that he strode to the door and left for the hall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you liked a little sun on the lawn. it is not by any means getting easier for them.


	6. A very busy day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Edward and Thomas have a long needed talk.  
> The War office and the Field Hospitals in france have a misunderstanding leading to trouble and tears upstairs and downstairs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok this is long  
> and kind of wierd
> 
> but i hope you like it anyways.

The days became weeks and weeks became months. Thomas enjoyed his time as acting sergeant and spent his time off with Edward. Lately the other man had begun to come out of his shell. They went to the library to chat with other people and even started to take walks on the grounds.

And it was known that wherever Edward Courtenay was, Thomas Barrow could be found as well. He had truly become Edward’s eyes and his heart. Or so the blind man had repeatedly said. But a time was approaching with a long awaited peace in tow.

And with it the time at the Abbey came to a close. It was August 1918 and the papers were full of capitulating enemies of the British Empire. Thomas was worried about the future. Edward at least had a place to go but Thomas would be left in the lurch.

They hadn’t yet spoken about the time after the War. Neither of them really knew what to expect from the new world. Neither had they spoken about that fateful night at the hospital. It still troubled Thomas.

“Edward?” They were walking in the woods around the Abbey, holding hands. It was a luxury they could get away with as Thomas needed to guide Edward around and so nobody questioned their closeness.

“Yes Thomas? Are you alright? You sound worried.” Thomas came to a halt. “I was thinking about the time after the War. I mean you have a place to go to. But what about me? What about us?” Edward faced him despite not being able to see his partner.

“We will stay with each other Thomas. You once promised me to stay when I was at odds with myself. I promise you the same now. If I go home you will come as well. I need a valet turned nurse anyways. Why not stick to the one I have now?”

He smiled and kissed Thomas gently on the cheek. Thomas teared up. He was so moved by Edward’s pledge to him. He was so lucky to be allowed to call himself his partner. To be loved by such a gentle and genius person.

“But what about your parents? What about Jack? Won’t they figure it out sooner or later?” Edward took Thomas’ face into his hands, leaning his forehead against Thomas’ “I love you Thomas Barrow. And I don’t care what my brother or anyone says. I will not be parted from you. You are my eyes and you are my heart. I don’t mean to lose either.”

Thomas couldn’t hold back his tears any longer. “Edward. I don’t know what to say. Except I don’t deserve you.” Edward wrapped his arms around him, pulling him close. They just held each other until Thomas tears had dried up. Gently Edward guided their faces together.

“It won’t change anything. I mean it. I love you Thomas and I won’t lose you. I have put you through something terrible and you have always treated me with incredible kindness and understanding. I don’t know what would have happened without you.”

Thomas looked at him. “You know what would have happened. It nearly did even with me at your side. Because you wouldn’t say a word.” He spotted a fallen tree and drew Edward down next to him. “I would have let you go you know?”

He never meant to say it. Edward turned his head towards him and cocked it slightly to the side. That was his equivalent to looking curious or disturbed. “I loved you even then and I wanted the best for you.”

“If you had convincingly told me that you wished to rid yourself of your troubles, I would have accepted it and helped you. Because it was the best for you.” Edward grabbed his hand tightly. “You are the best for me Thomas.”

“And I didn’t tell you because I knew I couldn’t convincingly tell you. I didn’t want to hurt you. And don’t deny it. I would have hurt you if I had told you.” “You hurt me more by not telling me. I was devastated to be honest.”

“Not because you did what you did. I knew you might do something like that. But because you didn’t tell me. You didn’t trust me. And that hurt. It hurt when I found the blade in your bed that afternoon. It hurt when I found you in the night. And it hurt because you didn’t feel the need to tell me. We spent the whole afternoon together and you didn’t say a word.”

Edward took a long time to reply. Finally he said “I am sorry Thomas. Sorry for putting you through that. Sorry for not telling you. For not trusting you. I wasn’t sure. I didn’t know. We had known each other for a week, been a couple for three days.”

“I know now that I can trust you with everything. But I didn’t then. And I will with all my heart until there is no more. Or as long as you will have me.” Thomas was impressed by Edward’s admission. And speechless at his utter trust. It took something for a man like Edward or himself to admit to something like that.

For some time they just sat next to each other in a comfortable silence. They had their say and there wasn’t anything to be added. Suddenly they heard someone crushing to the woods. “Thomas? Edward?” a high female voice shouted.

“We are here Sybil. What is it?” They had gotten to their feet at the first sounds. Finally Sybil broke through the undergrowth, panting like she had just run a mile and looking devastated. Thomas ran over to support her.

“Sybil. What in god’s name has happened? Anything wrong with Tom?” She shook her head. “No. It is Matthew and William. They were caught in a blast at Amiens and seem grievously wounded. They will arrive at the hospital tomorrow.”

Carefully Thomas led her to the tree. “Sit down Sybil. You need to calm down.” She tried to catch her breath but couldn’t calm down. Then she broke into tears. Thomas was at a loss. He held her hands and spoke soft, comforting words.

But it didn’t seem to help. Neither did Edward’s hand on her shoulder. But after a while her sobs turned into hiccups and she managed to catch her breath at last. “Thank you, you two. I don’t know what got into me.”

It was Edward who spoke. “It is alright Sybil. You are distraught and why not. You like Mr. Matthew. And you care for William, I guess. It is only normal that you worry about them.” Thomas smiled gratefully, even if Edward couldn’t see it.

“We will walk down tomorrow Sybil. I owe Mr. Matthew a lot. And I did William more bad turns than I care to count. I don’t want him to die alone.” Sybil sniffed. “Actually William will be treated here. It is hopeless for him.”

“And Major Clarkson insists that the hospital is only for officers. So by the way is the convalescent home. But Papa convinced him otherwise. Matthew will stay at the hospital until we know more about his injuries.”

“I will see to William and then go down to the hospital. Poor lad, he was in such a tizzy to go to the front and his father wouldn’t let him sign up. Then the Dowager tried her best to have him invalided out. But he was called up about two years ago.” He explained to Edward.

“So you and this William know each other pretty well eh?” “We worked together. He was junior footman and I was first footman. Once we got into a fist fight at the servants’ table because I said something incredibly rude about the death of his mum.”

“Oh and I stole his girl.” Edward was ridiculed by that “But you…” “No I don’t as you are very well aware Mr Courtenay. I did it to spite him. He was far too saintly for my tastes.” Sybil spoke up. “He wants to marry her now. He has written.”

“Thought so. He adores Daisy. And they are engaged in any case. But who will make her? She seems rather reluctant about the whole thing anyways.” “I think Mrs. Patmore will handle it.” “And if not I’ll pull me weight. She listens to me.”

“More fool her.” “Oy Edward. On whose side are you?” “Yours, always.” “Oh stop being so soppy you two. It doesn’t help things. Mary is on the brink of a nervous breakdown.” “She still loves him.” Thomas stated.

“Yes she does. And I want to help her.” “I’ll take William off your hands. Don’t worry. Tell me if there is more I can do. I’ll walk down tomorrow afternoon.” “Best wait until the next day. Mary and I will take care of him.”

“Alright. But we ought to get back now. All of us. Or they will be sending out search troops. How is your mother dealing with the paperwork?” He had left most of the running of the house to Lady Grantham who had been delighted at the Augean task of organizing the travesty that was the convalescent home.

“She loves it.” “Great, makes my load lighter.” Edward laughed. “You don’t have tasks anymore Thomas. You have successfully rid yourself of the annoying paperwork and you do rounds twice a day. I wouldn’t call that work.”

“Point scored.” Thomas conceded. Sybil spoke up again “Oh and Edward there is a letter from your mother. It arrived at the hospital but was sent up here today.” “Thank you Sybil. I am sure Thomas can read it to me later.”

Together they walked up to the house again. When they turned into the drive they saw Tom running at them. “Hell what is wrong now? He shouldn’t be running about like that.” Thomas muttered. “Tom! What has happened now?” Sybil shouted.

Tom came to a skittering to a halt in front of them. “News from the War Office. Matthew and William will be delayed. There a too few ships. Mary is completely done in. So is Daisy.” “Oh my god. Tom, can you bring Edward back to his room? Thomas you come with me, now.”

Without giving either of their partners a choice Thomas and Sybil sprinted down the drive and into the house. “Thomas you take over Daisy and I’ll try with Mary. And get Clarkson to do your round today.”

And with that she was off before Thomas could so much as speak a word. Truth be told it would have been more sensible the other way around. But he had to make do. Sighing he made his way downstairs hoping to be able to do a little good.

On the drive Edward and Tom stood as if frozen into stone pillars. “Well that was quite the display. And what are we to do now?” Tom asked the man next to him. He hadn’t had much contact with him in the past but he knew from Sybil what had happened a year ago and how much Thomas and Edward Courtenay depended on each other.

“I do not have a clue. Tom is it?” “Yes, Lt. Courtenay.” “Please. I can’t stand those military titles. Either Edward or Mr. Courtenay. Seeing as you are after all Sybil’s bow I suggest the former.” Edward said with a small smile.

Tom spluttered. “What did you just say?” Edward laughed quietly “What did you expect? Thomas and I both know about you two just as you know about us.” Tom sighed. Yes that was certainly expected. But not welcome.

“Edward. I don’t know why she told you. It is rather dangerous for her and me, if we should be found out.” Edward stopped and turned to Tom. “I know. Believe me, I know all the dangers of being found with the person you love.”

Again Tom looked down embarrassed. Of course. How could he have forgotten? “I am sorry Edward. I didn’t think.” Edward’s tone had grown a bit sharper as he reprimanded Tom “Yes you didn’t think. But nonetheless you are right. Take care. She loves you very much.”

“Has she told you that as well?” “She didn’t need to. It is in her voice every time she speaks of you.” Edward clasped Tom by the shoulder. “And I know you reciprocate her feelings. It is nice to hear how you stand up for her. You will have a lot of doing this in future.”

Tom sighed. Edward was right. “I know. And I will. And by the way I have never seen Thomas act like he does around you. I have never seen him offer one kind word or a gentle touch before. You changed him. Or rather he changed for you. And much for the better I’d say.”

They had reached the front doors. “Better get inside. I know my way by now. Thank you Tom.” But Tom refused him outright “Thomas will have my head if I let you out of sight for one minute.” Edward chuckled. “You are probably right.”

“Come along then. But I want you to tell me something when we are save from prying ears.” Tom wondered at that mysterious request. “Whatever you say.” “It is nothing bad Tom. Just a little information.”

When they had finally made it to Edward’s room Edward himself sat upon the bed while Tom took a chair. While he was removing some papers from it he noticed that they were dotted all over. “What are all those dots for?”

“That’s Braille. It is the way writing and reading is made possible for blind people. There are some books around here. You can see it better with them.” Tom rustled through a book on the table. “But those dots are raised. The ones on paper aren’t.”

“The raised ones are like print. I can read them by moving my finger over it. The paper is a note for Thomas. I insisted he learned it too, so I could write things down and he transcribed them for me. For example letters and the like.”

“If you want to I can explain it to you one day. It is not hard. Though Thomas still needs the alphabet on a paper next to him to find the right letter.” He chuckled. Tom chuckled along with him before he grew serious again.

“You love him a lot don’t you?” Edward nodded “I do.” He simply said “And that’s why I want to know something about his past here. I have heard some things. He says the butler and valet aren’t nice and today he told me about William. I would like to know more.”

Tom shifted uncomfortably upon his chair. “It might be better if you ask him yourself.” “I will” Edward assured him “But I want to hear different sides.” “I still think it is better to ask Thomas first. After he agrees to it, I am glad to tell you my view of the year I spent at Downton before the War broke out.”

“Thank you for being honest Tom. I will look forward to our next talk. You can get a good conversation going.” “Tom smiled. “Thank you Edward. I will be back when Thomas gives his consent. I am sorry that I couldn’t grant your request.”

Before Edward could reply the door opened and Thomas came in. Tom sucked in the air. Thomas looked awful. What had happened? With an exhausted voice he asked “What request couldn’t you grant, Tom?”

“Nothing, Edward asked for something but I didn’t know the answer.” Thomas nodded and sank down into the chair. With amazing speed for a man who couldn’t see where he was going, Edward made his way to his partner.

Tom took his leave. Neither of the two men noted it. Tom resolved to ask Sybil if she ever showed up again. Trying not to make a sound to disturb the two men he moved away. Gently he closed the door and made his way back to the garage. Sybil would come when she was ready.

Edward pulled Thomas into his arms as soon as the door had closed. For a couple of minutes he simply held onto the other man, rubbing small circles upon his back. Then he spoke “Thomas? What happened?” he asked.

But Thomas couldn’t answer. Edward knew this situation. They had it once or twice already. Thomas had hinted at his mental problems before. But Edward hadn’t fully understood until Thomas’ first breakdown that had come almost from nothing. He would have to cope with it. Just as Thomas had coped with his depression.

So he just held the man he loved in his arms and waited until Thomas was able to respond again. After a long time, or so it seemed, Thomas detached himself slightly from Edward’s uniform jacket. “I am sorry Edward. I didn’t want to burden you with my worries.”

Edward tousled the hair he knew to be black. “Don’t worry Thomas. I am with you. But do tell me what it was that made you so sad? Please don’t shut me out.” Thomas sniffed and Edward already feared that he wouldn’t get an answer when Thomas finally opened up.

“It was just, all this talk about William and Mr. Matthew being wounded. It took me back to the Somme, to Verdun, to Ypres. And to your misery when you arrived. To that awful night. But that wasn’t the worst of it.”

“When I tried to talk to Daisy I figured that they hadn’t told her about William being fatally wounded.” And so Thomas continued on how Daisy had fretted that William wouldn’t be at Downton on time to receive proper medical treatment.

How he had tried to make it clear to her without saying anything. How Mrs. Hughes and Mrs. Patmore had signalled him, no she isn’t to know. How he had decided against going along with them, because it was Daisy’s right to know and he knew it was better to know the full truth than just a bit and have false hope.

How he had told Daisy that William would not make it. That he would come to Downton to die and not to recover. How Daisy had borne his words with an incredible poise. How he had taken her shaking hands into his and had tried to convey that he knew what she was going through.

And that he would personally take care of William if she wished so. She had asked him why he did all this for her, for William. When he had always been nasty. How Thomas had told her that he wanted to make up, that he had been wrong.

How Mrs. Hughes and Mrs. Patmore had stared at him with open mouths. The sound when Bates’ cane cluttered to the floor at his admission. How he had realized just how bad they thought of him. How much they despised him.

Edward gently patted his back. Leaning his forehead against Thomas he murmured softly, knowing that every loud voice was certain to unsettle Thomas even further, “It will be alright Thomas. They will simply accept it after a while.”

Thomas drew away sobbing. “But that is just it, Edward. They won’t. I messed up everything when I was here and no nobody wants me in the house at all. They all shun me. They get crazy when I say a friendly word.”

Edward gently cupped Thomas’ cheek. “You know Tom said that you changed so much since you knew me? I guess that’s true then. I thought so too.” “I just messed up completely Edward and now I rue it.”

But before any of them could say anything else the door was wrenched open and they sprung apart in reflex. But it was only Sybil. She seemed more than just a bit troubled. “There has been a misunderstanding between the War Office and the Field Hospital in France. Matthew is already at the hospital and William on his way here.”

She spoke in a rather loud, excited voice and Edward feared the worst for sound sensitive Thomas. But he felt how his partner straightened up. “Dear Lord” Thomas muttered under his breath. “I’ll be going down to the village now.”

“Tom is taking me and Mary fast lane. Can you please take over William?” Thomas seemed as composed as ever when he answered “Of course Sybil. We have room prepared in the south wing by the red stair case.” “You are a darling Thomas. Has Edward ever told you that?”

With that she was out of the door again. “Well she is right.” Edward laughed quietly and breathed a kiss onto Thomas cheek. “I ought to tell you from time to time.” And at last Thomas smiled. Edward couldn’t see it but he knew Thomas well enough by now to be able to tell his emotions without having to look. “I’ll have to go downstairs.”

Edward strode over to the door followed closely by Thomas. He closed the door. Without further ado Thomas pressed Edward’s back to it and kissed him soundly on the lips. “I love you Edward Courtenay. You have such a big heart and such kindness in you that it is impossible to stay down in your presence for long.”

Even though Edward knew that at least the last part was a lie and the first an utter overstatement he let it slip. “I love you too Thomas. My darling. There I have said it. I couldn’t be happier at any given point that I am now.”

They kissed again. With full emotion behind it, it was closer than they had ever been before. A little out of breath Thomas slowly detached himself from Edward. “I really ought to get downstairs, love. Or they will send out a search party. And we don’t want that.”

Edward giggled. He was well aware how much Thomas loved that sound. “You are probably right, as usual.” “Not always?” Edward pecked him on the nose. “Usual. And now go.” He stepped back and opened the door shoving Thomas trough.

Thomas still smiled when he descended the stairs. When he saw the RAMC soldiers carrying in William, his face drained suddenly. William looked awful. Like a ghost. He hurried down the last steps and carefully directed the stretcher bearers to the red staircase and William’s room.

William seemed to be unconscious. That was a mercy truth be told. The RAMC men put William into bed, saluted and left. Thomas pulled up a chair and sat down, waiting for William to come out of his morphine induced sleep.

A tiny knock on the door startled him. “Come in.” It was Mrs. Hughes. “How is he Thomas?” “Bad I fear. Can you hear how he is wheezing? He is in pain even when he is dosed full with morphine. He will not last long.”

Mrs. Hughes nodded. “Is there anything to ease his passing?” “I’ll keep him on a bit of morphine until it is over. Maybe some hot towels for his chest.” Mrs Hughes nodded. When she turned around Thomas spoke again.

“You know Mrs Hughes, what they say in the trenches? They pray to stay alive but if that wasn’t to be, they pray for a bullet that kills them clean.” Mrs Hughes came back and put her hand on his shoulder.

“You are kind to care for him in such a time.” He looked into her eyes. “I meant it downstairs. I owe it to him. I have been awful to him for no reason but envy. I hope I’ll be able to tell him before this is over.”

Mrs. Hughes nodded in understanding. Giving his shoulder one last squeeze she turned towards the door once more. “And Mrs. Hughes, don’t send Daisy up before he is fully awake. Is it ok if I ring downstairs by way of letting you know? I don’t really want to leave his bedside”

She considered briefly “Yes I think that would be acceptable, but just this once.” Thomas smiled in thanks. “You know Thomas, the War has changed you.” “It has Mrs. Hughes, it most certainly has.” A quick knock came.

Mrs. Hughes carefully opened to look who wanted entrance. “It’s only me, Lady Edith.” Thomas nodded. He would need help and Lady Edith already had done brilliantly with the other officers. Mrs. Hughes opened the door.

Lady Edith went in and Mrs. Hughes left with on last sad gaze towards the still body upon the bed. “How is he, Thomas?” Thomas looked Lady Edith’s in the eyes “Dying” Lady Edith simply nodded. “So we feared.”

“Anything I can get for him?” “Well Mrs. Hughes is bringing up some hot towels to ease his breathing but maybe you could find Dr. Clarkson, if he is here, or one of the nurses and tell them that I need morphine up here.”

Lady Edith’s eyes went wide. “Morphine? But is that necessary?” Thomas turned to her “Yes. And it doesn’t matter if he becomes dependent on it. He will be gone before the week is out. But he is suffering immensely and I would rather he doesn’t feel too much pain.”

“All right then. Shall I fetch Daisy?” “No. Mrs. Hughes will send her up if he requests it but not sooner.” She nodded and left to find someone of the hospital staff to get the requested Morphine. When she closed the door a little too loudly, the young man on the bed stirred.

Thomas quickly went over to him. “William? Are you awake?” He felt for the pulse. It was a bit quicker than it ought to be but that was expected. “Thomas?” Barely more than a whisper escaped William’s mouth.

“I thought you were in France along with the rest of us.” Thomas shook his head as William slowly came to. “No, I got shot through the hand two years ago and have been working at the hospital ever since.”

William looked around him. “Where am I?” “At Downton Abbey, in the south gallery.” Why are they making such a fuss for a footman?” “Because you are not a footman now Private Mason and Downton Abbey has become a convalescent home.”

At that William’s eyes grew sad. “But I am not going to need to convalesce. Am I?” He coughed. Thomas took a napkin and carefully wiped the bare traces of blood from William’s lips. “You know the nature of your injuries?”

William nodded. “Then why do you need me to tell you what you already know?” William closed his eyes. “Why are you doing this, Thomas? Don’t you have any other duties?” Thomas quickly thought about Edward but then simply took up William’s wrist again checking the pulse.

It gave him a short time to think about what he wanted to say. “If you want me to leave that’s fine. Lady Edith can take over easily. Otherwise I’ll stay and explain something to you. I have wanted to do this for some time now.”

“Why Thomas? Why now?” “Because it needs to be said and someone reminded me of the importance of the truth.” William nodded. “Go ahead then.” “I wanted to apologize for my awful behaviour when we worked together.”

“I didn’t do it so much out of spite as out of envy. I envied how you were so easy at making friends. How your parents treasured you and how you could openly declare your love for Daisy. It was all too much for me. I am sorry William. Far more than I can ever tell.”

He waited with baited breath what William would say to this. It had taken him a lot to say it. Finally William said “I need to think about this Thomas. It is kind of hard to believe after all you put me through.”

Thomas nodded and wanted to leave but William wasn’t done “It especially hurt to see how you used Daisy against me. She is a kind soul and you used that kindness to your own benefit. You hurt her by pretending to date her when you didn’t. She talked of nothing and nobody else. And you broke her heart.”

“Once Lady Edith comes back could you just leave me for a bit? I need to think on it. And I don’t know if I can forgive you, Thomas. But I’ll try to understand.” Thomas nodded. “I’ll go now if you want me to. But I can’t leave you on your own.” He reached out and rang the bell.

“Why did you do that? No need to bother anyone on my account.” “Because Mrs. Hughes and I made an agreement. Even though it might be Daisy they sent up. Would that be okay for you?” William nodded. “Can you write to my father? I would like to see him again.”

“Of course William.” He gave William a small smile and handed the napkin over. “Here, you might need this. Don’t want to scare Daisy.” William took it. “Does she know?” Thomas nodded. “I told her this morning.”

“Mrs. Hughes and Mrs. Patmore thought it better not to. But work with the RAMC taught be that it is better to face harsh reality than to have false hopes dashed.” To his surprise William agreed. A timid knock on the door announced yet another visitor.

William wanted to call out but it dissolved into a coughing fit. Thomas stood up and opened the door. Daisy and Mrs. Hughes stood outside. He pulled it open wider and let them enter. “I have to make my round but I’ll be back later with something against the pain.”

William nodded his assent and Thomas carefully closed the door behind him. He made his way downstairs. On his way he met Lady Edith who seemed rather exasperated. “Thomas you need to speak to the nurses. They won’t let me take the morphine since I have no skill in medical issues.”

He had thought so when she didn’t reappear. “I will My Lady. Mrs Hughes and Daisy are with him now but it would be kind if you could take over after them and I return in the evening.” Lady Edith agreed and went away to find some books or so he presumed.

Despite her being usually a rather disagreeable person to be around, Thomas had found that she did a marvellous job caring for the non-medical needs of the convalescing officers. The only Crawley that did next to nothing to help with the officers was Lady Mary.

He was stopped by Anna and Bates who were just coming from the family’s wing. “Thomas how is William?” Anna asked nervously. He could detect her worry and fear under her voice. “I wasn’t aware you took care of him, Thomas?” Bates snarled.

“Yes I do. And he isn’t so well. In fact I don’t think that he will last the week. And I am sorry for it. William’s a good man and he doesn’t deserve this.” “Who is with him now?” Bates wanted to know. Thomas was irritated that he hadn’t taken offense in him declaring William a good man.

“Mrs. Hughes and Daisy. Lady Edith will take over after them and I’ll look in this evening.” “You seem to take an awfully great interest in William. Why?” “Because he needs it Mr. Bates and I intend to make his last days as easy as possible.”

Bates just raised an eyebrow but Anna clasped his hand “Thank you Thomas. It will help him a lot I think.” Thomas nodded at her gratefully. “But now I have to be off. I have other patients to see to and if possible I want to catch Clarkson.”

“He just arrived.” Bates informed him.  Thomas nodded and moved off. He descended the stairs and went in search of Clarkson. Finally he found him in the library. “Major Clarkson.” “Sergeant Barrow. Everything under control?”

“Yes, Sir. But I wanted to ask you something about William Mason’s treatment.” Clarkson raised an eyebrow and nodded. “In a moment Sergeant.” Thomas left the library to wait in the great hall. Finally Clarkson emerged from the door.

“What was it that you wanted to ask about Mason?” “I would like to keep him on a low dose of Morphine until it is over. So there wouldn’t be so much pain.” Clarkson thought for a moment. “It might be the best Sergeant. I’ll come back tonight with some of it.”

Thomas saluted and moved away. He quickly checked on the drawing room patients and upon seeing nothing out of order went back upstairs. Where he came upon a slightly familiar face. “Mr. Napier. I didn’t know we were to expect you?”

“Not as a house guest. But as a convalescing patient. Do I know you?” “I was a footman here when you came to visit with Mr. Pamuk. I am sorry if I have insulted you Sir?” But Napier just smiled. “Not a bit. Though I don’t remember your name I’m afraid.

“Sergeant Thomas Barrow, Sir. In charge of the medical welfare and general running of this convalescent home.” Napier laughed “Well you have made your way.” “I try to make the best of the situation Sir.”

Napier laughed and nodded his goodbyes, Thomas saluted him and went on with his round. After he had checked the bedroom patients he knocked on Edward’s door. Quickly he entered. Only to find Edward holding a sobbing Sybil and trying to comfort her.

“Thomas. Thank god you are here. I can’t seem to get anywhere at the moment.” Thomas quickly headed over and pressed a quick kiss to Edward’s cheek before gently taking Sybil out of his arms. “Sybil? What happened?”

She continued to sob. Gently Thomas held her a bit away from him. “Sybil please tell me. Has anything happened to Tom?” She shook her head. “No nothing wrong with Tom. Sorry Thomas, Edward. I didn’t want to trouble you.”

She detached herself from Thomas and turned to leave. But Edward stopped her. “You are not troubling us. Please tell us what is wrong so we might help you.” Despite her tears she smiled. “I don’t think you can help me Edward. The only ones who can help now are Fortuna and god.”

Suddenly Thomas realized what must have disturbed Sybil so much. “Is something wrong with Mr. Matthew? We were given the impression that he would recover despite his wounds?” She turned to him, her eyes welling up again.

“It is awful Thomas. When he arrived he was unconscious and wouldn’t wake. They had dosed him with morphine. So I knew it was worse than we thought. Then Mary read on a label, which they had pinned to him, that he probably had damaged his spine.”

“When Clarkson examined him, he found that Matthew couldn’t feel his legs anymore. Matthew is probably paralysed from the lower spine downwards. There is nothing left for him there. Nothing.” When Thomas got her implication he sucked in a sharp breath.

Edward put his hand on her shoulder. “I am sorry to hear this Sybil. It sounds awful.” Sybil sniffled. “Mary didn’t realize what it meant and I didn’t tell her. She keeps up a cheerful façade but I know how much this whole thing troubles her.”

“She is with him now and refuses to leave his side. Even though Lavinia is coming tomorrow.” Thomas felt for her. She was afraid for their cousin and for the psychological stability of her sister. But instead of prying further on that topic he simply asked “Does his Lordship know?”

Sybil looked at him. “Not all. Clarkson wanted to tell him personally and Papa had Tom drive him to York right when we arrived back from the hospital.” Edward spoke up “Who is this Mr. Matthew? I gathered that he is your cousin and that Lady Mary likes him more than she admits. But I don’t know anything beyond that.”

It was Thomas who answered him as Sybil had started sobbing silently again. “He is the heir. Lord Grantham doesn’t have any sons and his previous heirs died when the Titanic went down. Mr. Matthew was a disappointment at first but everyone soon warmed to him.”

“He even proposed to Lady Mary in 1913. But after some meddling from her aunt and because some unexpected events, which I won’t talk about now, she refused him. He now is engaged to Lavinia Swire. William served as his batman.”

Slowly Edward nodded. Sybil tried for a lopsided grin. “I didn’t know you knew so much about what happened upstairs.” Thomas returned it “That’s the best compliment on how I did my job you could have made Sybil. We are supposed to be invisible while serving.”

They laughed quietly. Thomas was satisfied. He had managed to get Sybil to empty her heart while at the same time introduced some humour into the situation. Sybil spoke up again “Now that you mention him. How is William?”

Thomas shook his head. “He won’t last the week. And he knows and accepts it.” Sybil nodded “And what about your confession? Did you have a chance to speak about it with him?” “Yes and he said he has to think about it but doesn’t know whether he could forgive me.”

“Well that was expected, wasn’t it?” Thomas nodded. “Still I had to do it and it feels better now.” Sybil smiled. “I think so too. Who is with him now?” “Your sister I presume. I’ll be going back when Clarkson comes in this evening with the morphine.”

She raised an eyebrow “You are keeping him under morphine?” “Not much, enough to dull the pain but not enough to make him lose his senses.” Sybil nodded. “I think that might be best. I have to go now. I’ll see you later.”

After the door had closed behind her Edward closed the gap between them and wrapped Thomas in his arms. Thomas let his head fall against Edward’s lapels. They stood like that for some time. Thomas immovable, giving in to his stress induced depression, and Edward simply holding him, comfortingly stroking his back.

They separated from each other when a knock came on the door. “Lt. Courtenay? Is Sergeant Barrow with you?” Lord Grantham. “Yes My Lord. Come in.” Edward replied. The door opened and Lord Grantham strode in.

“Sergeant. Major Clarkson has arrived a few minutes ago and he said he had something you requested?” “Yes My Lord. Thank you for telling. I’ll be down in a minute. I am sorry for what happened to Mr. Matthew My Lord.”

Grantham nodded and left them. Thomas quickly closed the door. Edward followed “Can you manage?” Thomas nodded. “I have to.” Edward cupped his cheek and kissed him gently. “You will. And I will be waiting for you, my darling.”

Thomas smiled at the sentiment. “I know, Edward. Thank you.” Then he left in search of Clarkson. He got the morphine from him and went up to William’s room. He knocked and then entered “Are you awake William?” “Yes.” Thomas turned to Lady Edith. “I will stay here for a bit My Lady. Maybe Anna or Mrs. Hughes can come up later?”

“I’ll tell them. Thank you for being so caring, Thomas.” “Of course My Lady.” After Lady Edith had left Thomas approached the bed carefully. “Are you alright with me staying for a bit?” William nodded. Thomas sank onto the chair Lady Edith just vacated.

“I’ve got some morphine here if you want it.” “Do you want to keep me asleep now?” Thomas shook his head. “No, it is not that much. I want to dull the pain a bit. I thought it might be better that way.” William looked at him with narrowed eyes.

“Your decision though. If you don’t want it, you don’t have to take it.” William considered a moment. Then he nodded. “Alright. It might even help.” Thomas took out the little bottle and measured out a tiny amount into a water glass on William’s night stand.

He handed the glass over. But William was too weak to drink it himself. Carefully Thomas slipped an arm under William’s shoulder and lifted him a bit. With the other hand he held the glass to William’s lips. After a moment he lowered him into pillows again.

William breathed hard with exertion. Thomas tugged the blankets up and wiped the sweat of William’s forehead with a fresh towel. Then he sat back and waited for William to say something. But the exertion had been too taxing and William drifted off.

After Anna had relieved him, he didn’t go back to Edward. He was exhausted and wanted to sleep. He went up to the attics and undressed for bed. He slipped under the covers and looked back on an eventful day.

Some time during the night Edward felt the stir of the air as the door opened. He wanted to ask what had caused this late night visit from Thomas. Because of course it was Thomas. He could smell it and he had memorized the pattern of his footsteps.

But before he could utter a word he felt a body slip into bed next to him. They had never shared a bed before. Edward didn’t count the episode when Thomas had held him after his suicide attempt. But as no explanation came he grew a bit worried.

Thomas had been deeply disturbed by the day’s events. When he felt Thomas’ body next to him starting to shake slightly, he realized that Thomas was crying. Carefully he moved closer to his partner and drew him to his chest.

He held Thomas in his arms and waited till the sobs receded. When he stopped Edward whispered “Thomas? What happened?” But Thomas didn’t answer. He felt how the other man’s breaths evened out and realized that Thomas had passed out from exhaustion.

He gently kissed the wet cheeks, tasted the salty tears on the other’s lips. The he pulled him close and went to sleep as well. No matter the circumstances it felt so good to be so close to the man he loved. He wasn’t sure he would ever allow Thomas to sleep in his own room again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So i hope you guys got through the jungle.
> 
> please to feel free to leave comments and kudos.


	7. I do

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Title says it all. Wedding bells on the air

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always have fun

The next morning Thomas went into the village to see Mr. Matthew and to get a bit of solitude. Edward used the time to pay a visit to a certain person on the south wing. He hadn’t been there yet but he had asked Sybil to take him there.

He took a breath and knocked on the door. “Come in.” A weak voice came. He opened the door and entered. “Lt. Courtenay.” Lady Edith then. She had a deeper voice than her sisters “What can I do for you?” Edward used the excuse he had made up the prior night.

“I come as a messenger from Sergeant Barrow. Might I have a moment?” After a while he heard Lady Edith leave. Probably William had only signalled his consent. “Might I sit down?” William didn’t reply. But he most likely had nodded.

“You need to talk with me Private Mason. I can’t see your gestures. I am sorry.” “Oh. Yes of course, take a seat. There is a chair about three steps ahead of where you stand.” Edward found the chair and sat.

But before Edward could say a word William had something to say “I am not sure what Thomas wants me to know. But to be honest I can’t bring myself to care much about it. He and I are not on the best terms.”

Edward sighed. This would be far more difficult than he had anticipated. “He wishes it would be different. It pains him what he has done to you. That is why he has made that apology.” When William replied his voice had a sceptical tone to it.

“What would you know about it? How do you know about what Thomas thinks?” Edward heard him drew a pained breath. He wished he didn’t have to do this. But he did it for Thomas and in a way for William Mason as well.

“I came here from the Somme two years ago. Sergeant Barrow has acted as my eyes ever since. After two years of working closely with each other you get to know a lot about the other person. And I can hear the pain in his voice. Even if he pretends that nothing is wrong.”

“Are you his bow?” It sounded irritated. “No. As I said we have worked closely together since I arrived at the hospital. And once your eyesight is gone your other senses pick up. There is not much that escapes me.”

“Except looks or gesture.” Edward smiled “Except those. But if they are strong enough I can feel the stir in the air.” Again there was a pause. “Why exactly have you come Lt. Courtenay?” Dangerous territory again.

“Because I want you to reconsider forgiving him. He hasn’t been his usual self since he knew that it would still be possible to apologize to you. He is very disturbed. I have felt that on my own body. He is constantly brooding and keeps stirring me into doorframes and the like.”

He heard William chuckle. But when he answered he was serious “I am not sure if I can to this Lt. Courtenay. It was hard living under the same roof with him. Hard to see how he chased Daisy, despite not being interested.”

“He broke her heart. To spite me. And I find that hard to forgive.” “If Daisy would forgive him, could you?” “Maybe.” Edward nodded. He was about to say something else when he heard the door open. He immediately felt the change of atmosphere.

“Daisy.” William sounded happy. “Thank you Lt. Courtenay for your words. I’ll consider them.” Edward nodded and stood up. He wasn’t sure where to go. William seemed to realize his troubles. “Daisy could you lead him to the door please? He can’t see it.”

He felt small calloused hands take his sleeve and followed the tugging. “Thank you Daisy. You are very kind.” “No problem Lt. Courtenay.” The door closed behind him. He heard small, hasty steps. Sybil.

She put her hand on his arm. “Were you successful?” She asked as they moved back into more familiar parts of the house. Edward shrugged “I don’t know. The rift goes deeper than I thought.” “Yes I thought it might.”

“But we better get back into neutral territory. Wouldn’t do if Thomas found you here.” Edward turned to her. “He knows. I told him.” Sybil continued on. “Was that sensible? Thomas likes to fight his own battles.”

They had reached Edward’s room. After they closed the door behind them and Edward wasn’t able to detect the typical Thomas Barrow smell within, he turned to Sybil. “We fight our battles together Sybil. That is what being a couple means.”

“I trust him and he trusts me. And there is nothing between us. It took some time to realize that. But we love each other without limits. That is what I mean when I say that he is my heart. Because we are like one person. It feels so natural to be with him.”

Sybil sniffed. He hadn’t wanted to make her cry. “Sybil? Are you alright?” “Yes Edward. I am sorry.” He heard her smile through the words and relaxed. “I am just so happy for you two. You are so perfect for each other.”

“I wish that Tom and I will share the same natural closeness one day.” He took her by the hands. “I hope that very much as well. You love each other so much. You deserve to be together Sybil. And I really hope for you that one day you will be able to call each other husband and wife.”

“You know in a better world I would wish that people like you and Thomas could marry too.” “I wish for that constantly Sybil. But is isn’t to be and we have to live in the shadows. It is hard.” She gently stroked his hands.

“You will take him with you as Valet when you leave?” He laughed slightly “What do you think?” She chuckled “Of course. I didn’t think. It might be for the best if he hadn’t to stay here longer than needed.” The door opened and at once the familiar smell wafted through the air.

“What do I have to see? My partner stealing off with my best friend?” They laughed but underneath the joking comment Edward could sense that Thomas wasn’t feeling well. He heard the slight unsteadiness and instantly went over to him.

Sybil seemed to realize that they needed time to themselves. She said goodbye and quickly left the room. Edward took Thomas by the hands and let him over to sit on the bed. By now he knew the room he lived in by heart.

They sat down next to each other and Edward put his arm around Thomas’ shoulder and drew him close. With his free hand he took up Thomas’. He searched for Thomas lips and kissed him as gentle as possible, yet conveying with every fibre his endless support of his partner.

Then he leaned his head against Thomas and stroke soft circles over the back of the hand he still held. “Is it as bad as you feared?” “Worse” Thomas voice rang with emotion. “He has given up Edward. Just like you once did.”

“Well he is not quite that far. But when I entered he was telling his fiancée that she would be better off without him. And that they would never have a full marriage. She fled the scene and Lady Mary went with her.”

Edward didn’t interrupt him even if he had a couple of questions. “I gave him some time and then went to his bed. He actually smiled. Which is more than you did. I see you are back as well, he said. He hadn’t known that I was declared unfit for the trenches.”

“I asked whether there was anything I could to for him. And he said that there was nothing anyone could get or do for him that would help. I told him to keep someone he loved close by. He was about to reply when his mother arrived and I took my leave.”

“Then I went to send a telegram to William’s dad, begging him to come at once. Told him that his son is dying. Then I came back here. I know this might sound stupid but I need to say it anyways.” Thomas pulled his hand out of his and shuffled a bit away until they were no longer touching.

Edward feared what would come now. “I know that you have no interest in Sybil but when I saw you and her I imagined another man in her place. It brought back the fear of being left alone. To be without you.”

And Edward made a decision. It was risky thing. But it seemed right. He reached into his breast pocket where he kept a ring his sister had left him when she had died from an infection before the War.

It would be too small for Thomas but it was the meaning he meant to convey. He slipped of the bed and went to his knees in front of Thomas. “Hold out your hand, inside up” He demanded. He felt the reluctance and took the hand, pulling it to him.

He put his closed fist into Thomas’ open hand and grabbed the other with his empty hand. He brought them together in front of their bodies. He could feel the strain within Thomas. The uncertainty growing within him and knew he was doing the right thing. He loved this man and wanted to spend the rest of his life with him.

He opened his hand and locked the ring into the cavity between their hands. “Thomas Barrow. I love you. And we don’t need a church blessing and we don’t need society’s consent. Only ours. So I ask you, Thomas Barrow, are you willing to spend your life with me and become my husband?”

He heard Thomas stutter and knew he would be going beet red. Thomas’ fingers intertwined with his. “I do. Edward Courtenay, I would gladly become your husband and will stay with you for all eternity.” His voice was laced with tears. But Edward knew they were tears of joy.

He wasn’t done though “Then take this ring as symbol of my commitment and love.” He took his hand away and revealed the ring they had held together. He closed Thomas’ hand around it. “Keep it safe. You are holding my heart”

He got up and they fell into each other’s arms. Held each other tightly. Only then did they kiss. A kiss full of passion and emotion. A promise of trust and loyalty. A kiss to seal a bond they had made two years ago.

A few days later they were once again headed towards the south gallery. It was William’s turn to wed the person he loved. Even if he would marry Daisy on his death bed. As they passed the gallery Thomas looked down into the hall.

And jerked back his head immediately. Edward felt this and asked curiously “What was that Thomas?” “Nothing. Just thought I knew one of the soldiers. I would rather not meet him.” Edward cocked his head.

“And no, I’d rather not speak about him. Not now.” The man Thomas had seen in the hall was Philip. And he would rather not have him meet Edward. If he was honest he wouldn’t want Edward to even know about Philip. But they had no secrets between them and so he would tell him later.

The ceremony was moving. To say the least. All of the downstairs staff was there as were Lady Edith and the Dowager. And Mr. Mason. So the telegram had done its job. He and Edward stood at the back of the crowd.

When the time came to say the vows he carefully took Edward’s hand. Their fingers interlaced and they shuffled closer to each other as William and Daisy declared “I do”. Thomas was sure that Edward could feel the ring which he had placed inside his glove.

After the marriage, the room emptied and they were already half out of the door when the weak voice of William called them back. “Thomas, Lt. Courtenay. Might I ask you to stay for a moment?” They turned back to the bed.

William signalled to close the door. Thomas obliged and they came over to the bed. William spoke “I don’t have much time. And not much strength. So please let me speak without interruption.” They nodded.

“Thomas, you have asked for my forgiveness. Lt. Courtenay has backed you up in this wish. I admit I didn’t want to. And I still don’t understand why you did it. But then maybe we are just too different. I have discussed this with Daisy and she is willing to forgive you.”

“Even if you have broken her heart. And insulted my mother which is something my father found hard to forgive. You made me look a fool when there was no need to. In short you made my life hell on earth while we were working here.”

“Yet I marry the woman I love today. And she has put in a word for you. I still don’t know why she does it. But I would fulfil her every wish. And therefore I forgive you Thomas. You have shown that you can be different.”

“Maybe at some point you will see what it means to have friends and have people like you. I admit I can’t be among them. Too much has passed between us. But I forgive you.” When William was done Thomas had tears in his eyes.

“Thank you William. That means a lot to me. I can only guess how much it took you to say this. But I thank your from the bottom of my heart.” William nodded. Thomas said his goodbyes, knowing they would be the last ones, and led Edward to the door.

When they reached the main gallery Thomas saw to his great despair the familiar figure of Philip of Crowborough. He seemed to be searching for something. Luckily they were already at Edward’s door. “Quick, go inside. I’ll be back soon.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> now i would really love your opinions! I am not going to bite off your head ;)
> 
> and i managed a cliffhanger after all ....


	8. Plans and Propositions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Philip returns  
> Thomas and Edward plan their future and involve a few more from the Abbey staff.  
> Letters are read and planned

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for not updating.  
> i got a bit busy at the stable since the owner of the horse i usually ride has gotten injured and i take over some of her duties while she recovers.  
> in addition xmas.....

Edward noticed the urgency in his voice and went without a word. Just in time. Philip rounded the corner and came face to face with Thomas. “Thomas?” “What are you doing here Philip?” Thomas asked with barely concealed anger.

“I was looking for the sergeant who runs this place. It appears that there has been a mistake in my housing.” “Are you here to convalesce? I can’t believe the Crawley’s would agree to that.” “Well they have to. I took a bullet in the knee and now my leg isn’t working anymore.”

Only then did Thomas notice the crutches and the unnatural stiffness of his former lover’s leg. “Well we will have to see about the Crawley’s. Now would you be so kind as to tell me what is wrong with your bed?

“Where is that sergeant? He needs to hear it.” “You are standing in front of him. So now what is your problem Philip?” Thomas was getting impatient. How could he have ever fallen for that man? He was to Edward as day was to night.

“You run this place?” “Yes. So now tell me or go.” Philip held up a hand “Alright. No need to get angry. I have been given a bed in the ward but I requested a single room.” Typical Philip. All high and mighty.

“You have an injury to your leg. That is why you are down in the wards. There are no single rooms down there. And before you ask. The rooms up here are also completely full.” He chose not to tell that in fact there was a single room downstairs.

And it was empty. But they kept it that way for Mr. Matthew to take up once he recovered enough to move to the Abbey. But Philip didn’t need to know that. It would be good for him to realize that he was just a man like the others.

But it seemed that Philip wouldn’t be swayed that easily. “We will have to see about that. You best make new plans Thomas.” “Lt. Colonel Crowborough, if you have any issues with the arrangements, I suggest that you find another place to convalesce.”

“No I will not. And you will find me a room Thomas. And you will join me there.” Oh my god. That was too much for Thomas. He was raging. How could Philip possibly suggest that they pick up their relationship again?

He shuddered internally. Philip took a clumsy step towards him. Thomas stepped back accordingly. “You are reluctant Thomas?” Philip said with amusement “I will remind you of the last time we met, Philip. I don’t want to be your plaything anymore.”

Philip raised an eyebrow. “Plaything? No that you weren’t. Never.” Another step towards him, another step backwards. Then to his great relief he spied Lady Mary coming around the corner. Loudly he spoke again.

“Lt. Colonel Crowborough would you please refrain from any further attempts to jeopardize our arrangements and trespass upon our generosity?” He saw from the corner of his eye how Lady Mary’s step paused and then turned towards them.

“Duke? What is the meaning of this?” Blessed Lady Mary. With her calling him by his title she made it clear where she stood. He should have done it as well. “Mary. How nice to see you. I was having rather a problem with the sleeping arrangements here.”

“It is Lady Mary to you, Duke. And I am sure Sergeant Barrow here has the arrangements under control haven’t you?” “I have my Lady. As I have told His Grace there are no single rooms left up here.”

“And his leg injury only qualifies him for a downstairs room anyways. And we only have wards downstairs. His Grace doesn’t seem to grasp this.” Lady Mary nodded and turned back towards Philip.

“Duke, I can’t believe I am hearing this right. You refuse to settle for a bed in the ward, when it has been made clear to you that your injury only qualifies you for one such. If that isn’t acceptable for you then I suggest you leave. Right now.”

She paused a moment, considering something. “Actually Duke, no matter the beds. You will leave this house now. No one of the family wants you here very much.” “You can’t just throw patients out Mary.”

“Seeing as Sergeant Barrow runs this convalescent home and I am a member of the family owning the house. Yes we can. And you will call me Lady Mary, Duke.” Thomas had the immense pleasure of seeing Philip of Crowborough deprived of a snappy retort.

“Barrow, can you bring this man to the front door please and make sure he leaves?” “Gladly My Lady. Sir?” He gestured for Philip to go ahead. When the other man hesitated he reprimanded him “Now, Sir.”

Slowly they made their way down the grand staircase. Unfortunately they met Clarkson. Seeing that Clarkson had a higher rank than Thomas, Philip seemed to draw the right conclusion and accosted him with his plea.

Clarkson was about to give in when Thomas spoke up “Lady Mary has personally requested that this man leaves this house for personal reasons. The Crawley family knows him and doesn’t want him to stay at their house.”

“Well Lord and Lady Grantham have to ultimate say in who stays and who goes, Sir. There is not much I can do besides having an ambulance run you to Farley Hall.” Thomas let go of a breath he didn’t know he had been holding.

That was close. “There is an ambulance outside Sir. Would you please follow me?” Philip thankfully went with him. But as he went past Thomas he managed to kiss him on the nape of his neck. Thomas jumped half a metre into the air.

As soon as the ambulance was out of sight he rubbed at his neck frantically. He shuddered at the mere thought that Philip would do this. He was disgusted by it. “Are you alright Barrow?” Damn, Lady Mary.

“Yes My Lady. I just got stung by some insect and it itches horribly.” She laughed good natured and went back inside. An insect. Yes a mad and horrible aggressive bee. Or wasp or better yet hornet. Gosh he hated this.

He practically ran back towards Edward’s room. He pulled open the door, slammed it shut behind him and sank against it. Edward had jerked up from where he had sat reading one of his Braille books.

“God in heaven, Thomas what happened?” He came over. “Philip Crowborough happened. And damn him to all eternity.” “Now I am on the edge of my seat.” “Let’s sit down somewhere.” He dragged Edward to the bed.

“Philip and I were lovers once. That was 1912. It got pretty nasty in the end. He came here to propose to Lady Mary after the old heir died and he thought Mary was the heir.” “A fortune hunter?” “If ever I saw one.”

“Not much to get from a footman though” But Edward said it with a smile. Luckily his husband took it with humour, Thomas thought. “No, but from his employers. He was after the estate. But His Lordship told him outright that she wouldn’t inherit.”

“And that was that. But during the day he had searched through my room. He found the letters I had kept. Back then I thought it fixed that I would come along with him as a valet.” “Hmmm. But I am a better employer I like to think.”

Thomas kissed him “Leagues, no worlds better my love. But I didn’t know you then. So I tried to blackmail him into taking me on. He revealed that he had the letters I had wanted to use to blackmail him.”

“He tossed them into the flames and blackmailed me into staying here.” “Lucky me. I need to thank this Crowborough.” “Don’t you dare! But the nastiest bit is still to come. He told me to go or to stay if I wanted to.”

“Bastard.” Thomas laughed at how fast Edward had changed his opinion of Philip. “I saw him today in the hall. And again when we returned from William. I tried to make him leave but he wouldn’t. He tried to come closer than necessary.”

Edward cocked his head and Thomas took his hand. “I stepped back every time. Finally I saw Lady Mary and she took care of him. She despises him almost as much as I do. But as I was escorting him out of the house he managed to kiss my neck. I nearly jumped in front of the ambulance from shock.”

Edward wrapped his arms loosely about his middle. “Where did he kiss you?” Thomas indicated the spot on his neck. It still burned as if someone had pressed an iron to it. But then another sensation stepped into its place.

Edward had pressed his lips to the spot where Philip had taken advantage over Thomas. He moved on from there making his way up the jaw to his husband’s lips. Those kisses weren’t passionate but gentle marks of property. Or so Thomas thought.

After Edward had achieved his goal in soothing his husband, he pulled his long legs up onto the bed to sit more comfortable as he put his chin upon Thomas’ shoulder. “I keep forgetting to ask. Where is that letter from my mum? You still have to read it to me.”

“Ouch Edward! Your chin is too pointy for that!” Edward only chuckled “Sorry” Thomas sighed in fake exasperation “I had hoped you had forgotten about it. Seeing what the last one nearly caused.” “I still want to know what is says. I promise you I won’t do anything stupid.”

“You will have to let go of me. It’s on the mantelpiece above the fireplace.” Reluctantly Edward drew his arms back. Thomas quickly got up and fetched the envelope. He opened it on the way back to the bed, quickly scanning for any offending things.

But what he read made him want to laugh with relief. It sounded pretty good. He plopped back onto the bed. “What does it say?” “Sounds nice.” “Read it out loud please, Thomas. I can tell you if it is nice or just hidden insults that you won’t understand.”

“Oh well, only if you put your arms back where they belong.” Laughing Edward resumed his previous position.” Thomas unfolded the paper again to reveal the small, elegant hand of Edward’s mother. “Okay here we go.”

“Dear Edward, we haven’t heard from you in a while. I hope this letter finds you well and in good health. As you know from the previous letter Jack has been named heir in your stead. He will write to you in a separate letter.”

“But you are still our son and despite Jack’s intention to let you stay wherever you are now, you are still our son and we would like you close. You can choose between Hunter’s Lodge and Waterside House as your permanent residence.”

“We will provide you with any staff you require as well with a generous allowance and hope to see you up at the house often. Jack has been much nicer since your father named him the heir. He has also been wounded in service but not near as severe as you.”

“A bullet took him in the arm but nothing except a scar remained. He hasn’t been sent back though. They deemed his arm too weak to hold the rifle.” At that Thomas eyed his own wound. It sounded too much like a Blighty.

“Of course your father is delighted at the quick recovery. Please write back which house we are to prepare and which staff we are to hire. Yours in motherly love, Elisabeth Courtenay.” “Pah motherly love.”

Edward had sat back up while Thomas had read the letter. “I am sorry Thomas but I don’t like this. The tone is nice enough I grant you. The content is not. Hunter’s Lodge is in the middle of the woods and has been a ruin since my childhood.”

“Jack and I used to play Knights and Castles there when we were children. Waterside has a leaking roof and is right down from the house at an artificial pond. It is little more than a tool shed and gardener’s home in one.”

Thomas added to that “And Jack’s injury sound a lot like a Blighty as well.” “So Blighties and ruins.” Edward shook his head. “No. I won’t go to either house. I will write back though. If they really want me back they can give me Courtenay House.”

“It has medieval roots but it is sound and sufficiently grand for a bachelor.” He put his fingers up to put the bachelor in quotation marks. Thomas laughed at that. “In addition it is not too far from House or village but still set back behind a little garden and a high hedge.”

“Sounds perfect to me. What about staff?” “Well there is you.” But Thomas interrupted. “I refuse to be counted among the staff. I am your husband!” Edward laughed and kissed him soundly on the lips “But we have to keep façades up.”

Thomas only grumbled. “I won’t take anybody on from my parents’ house. Nor anyone they hire. They will be set to spy on me.” “Blimey. Your family sounds awful.” Edward grew serious. “They are, Thomas and should they get the slightest impression that something is awry they will lock you and me up.”

Thomas snorted. “They would have their own son accused of sodomy? Their eldest at that?” “They would Thomas. Especially Jack. As long as I run free and alive I am a threat to him.” “Blimey. Are you sure you want to move back?”

“Where else would we go Thomas?” Thomas took his husband’s hands. “What about London? Or any other city? You have an allowance, why not rent a flat or something like that?” “Because if I don’t move back I won’t have an allowance.”

“I can’t work. I am blind. And you have to stay with me. That means you can’t work fulltime either. We would be paupers” “But we would be free.” Edward turned to Thomas, despite not being able to see him.

“What if it goes awry? Thomas I want security. I want a home I know. I don’t want to adjust to new rooms every few weeks. It is so easy for you. But I can’t adjust as easy as you. I can’t move around like a seeing person. I need a fixed home. I am sorry.”

Thomas took Edward, who had begun to sob quietly, into his arms. “Then we will move to Courtenay House and be very careful around your family. And bring our own servants.” He listed them off his fingers.

“Daisy as a cook, Ethel as housemaid, Henry as hall boy who acts as footman when needed. Have I forgotten a position?” Edward chuckled despite his tears. “Do you have a solution for everything Thomas?”

“For you always. Oh and I would run the staff. Or you would need to find somebody to run it.” “Can’t Ethel do that? Together with Daisy? They will get the hang of it soon enough.” “I would still have to eat with them.”

“Only when my family or other guests come to visit. Otherwise we eat in my room. It will be hard for Daisy. Only cooking simple dishes. But if she wants to she can serve us the servant’s dinner and they eat what we would.”

Thomas chuckled. “She would like that. Ethel too. She dreams of a better life. She would make the jump to housekeeper in less than half a year. I’ll go and speak with them. Henry and Ethel definitely would come with us. But I am not sure about Daisy.”

“Talk to them while I write a letter to my mother. And find out where that letter Jack sent has gotten stuck.” I’ll talk with Ethel and Henry. But I can’t speak with Daisy now. I will when William has gone.” “Right I forgot. Sorry Thomas.”

“Don’t worry. Write that letter. Your stuff is on the table.” He kissed Edward one last time and made his way to the servants’ door. It was quicker that way. If he was lucky he would find both Ethel and Henry in the servants’ hall.

But the first person he met was Bates. “Mr. Bates.” He said by way of greeting. “Thomas.” He decided to ignore the rudeness and find out where the two others were. “Have you seen Ethel and Henry? I wanted a word with them.”

“Ethel is in the servants’ hall and Henry is in the pantry polishing silver. Why?” “None of your concern Mr. Bates.” He went past the valet and entered the servants’ hall. “Ethel?” The maid looked up. “What is it Sergeant?” He presumed the tone was supposed to be seductive.

Very well. Ethel didn’t know about him. He didn’t really care. The position he offered was too good. “Do you have a moment?” “For you of course.” He shook his head. He had to end her hopes before anything came off it. It was ridiculous.

“Ethel. You can stop flirting right now. I am not on offer.” Before he could continue Bates had come into the room and heard the last part. “No he is most certainly not.” He turned around “Thank you Mr. Bates.” He couldn’t keep the sneer out of his voice.

He motioned for Ethel to follow him out of the servants’ hall. “What about your offer then?” “One of the soldiers has taken me on as valet. He has been blinded by gas and has relied on me since he first came here.”

“He is setting up his own small household and wanted to ask you to come with him.” “In what capacity?” “As housemaid and as joint housekeeper with Daisy if she wants to come along. If not with any cook we can find.”

“That is a great offer. I don’t know much about housekeeping.” “It is not a big house. The only inhabitant would be Lt. Courtenay and a few servants. He leads a solitary life. Maybe one day there will be a wife. But that’s it.”

“Where is this house?” “In Lincolnshire. It is in the village his family owns. His brother is the heir and they have given Lt. Courtenay one of the houses in the village. Think about it.” He turned to find Henry but Ethel kept him back.

“What are the terms of work?” “He doesn’t know yet. But he is rather liberal.” He chuckled. How could a gay man not be liberal? “Alright Sergeant. I’ll come with you. Just give me an advance warning.”

“Thank you Ethel. We will move in shortly after this god damn War has ended.” “That means soon. If I read the news correctly.” He smiled. Soon he would be in a house without any prying eyes. Together with his husband.

He still couldn’t believe that Edward had taken that step. How could he ever have doubted him? It felt so surreal to be able to say that he was a married man. It was something he hadn’t even dreamt of.

“Sergeant?” “Yes sorry Ethel. I was miles away.” She giggled “Never mind Sergeant. Just give me more than a moment’s notice.” “Of course. And Ethel? Not a word to anyone. Understood?” It had come out sharper than indented.

“Yes of course Sergeant.” “Not even to Daisy or Henry.” “As you wish. And I take it you will be doubling up as butler and valet?” “Kind of, yes. You will understand. And Ethel one last thing.” “Yes Sergeant?”

“Lt. Courtenay may be a liberal man but there is one rule in his household that has highest importance. It must never be broken.” “What is that Sergeant?” Thomas took a deep breath. He was doing this for Edward. And himself.

“Discretion Ethel. Nothing that is spoken or happening within that house must ever leave it. It might end badly. You will have to sign a document to that. The doings of Courtenay will remain with him. Not his family, nor his family’s servants. Not anyone from the village. He is not on good terms with his family and they might use it against him.”

Ethel seemed slightly disturbed “Alright. It sounds ominous but this is my chance. And I will take it.” “I promise you there is nothing criminal behind it. Simply that his family and he can’t get along.” But there was something criminal behind it.

Their marriage was illegal. Their feelings were illegal. But Ethel would find that out soon enough. Telling her not to talk to Daisy and Henry was her test. He said goodbye to Ethel and finally went in search of Henry.

He found him where Bates had said he was. And he knew that Henry had at least guessed about his nature. So it was all in or nothing with him. “Henry?” “Yes Thomas, er Sergeant.” “Call me Thomas, it is okay.” He saw how Henry relaxed. Good start.

“How would you like to be a footman Henry?” The lad’s face brightened up. “Very much.” “Well as it happens Lt. Courtenay would like to take me on as his valet after the War. He is moving into his own house and needs a bit of staff.”

“Not much mind you. He plans to take Ethel and Daisy with him. Then there will be me and that’s it.” Henry looked at him curiously “No wife?” “No Henry there is no wife.” He saw how realisation dawned upon Henry’s face.

Quickly he spoke again “If you don’t have a problem with that we would very much like you to join the staff.” “So it is you and him then? Just so I know.” “Yes.” A simple answer for a simple fact he decided.

“Alright I guess. I will come with you. Anything special I need to know?” He admired the lad’s ability to simply take this information and just don’t care one wit about it. “There will be a contract concerning discretion.”

“His family isn’t much in favour of him. And they would use me against him. So no word of anything within the house leaves it. Not to his family, not to his family’s servants and not to anyone in the village.”

“Alright understood.” “And for now not a word to anyone around here. Not even to Ethel or Daisy.” Henry smiled “My lips are sealed. Thank you for making this offer.” “You are very welcome Henry.” Thomas smiled.

Just as he wanted to remount the stairs, Daisy and Mr. Mason came down. They hadn’t left William’s bedside for the past days so seeing them down here now could only mean one thing. “Mister Mason, Daisy I am so sorry for your loss. He was a good man.” Mr. Mason took the offered hand.

“Thank you Sergeant. Even though he never had anything good to say about you. In the end you made up and that is what counts. You are a better man than I thought. I thank you for your condolences.”

Thomas was moved by the old man’s words. “He didn’t deserve this. He was too good. Too innocent.” And suddenly he remembered something he had said to William once. He had called him Mr. Cannon fodder.

“That he was Sergeant. It is good to see that you thought so well of my son. But I must be off now. The animals won’t care about William’s death and someone has to feed them.” For the first time Daisy spoke up.

“I’ll bring you to the door. But I need to speak with you Thomas.” “Of course. I’ll wait for you.” Daisy walked towards the back door. When she returned, she pulled him towards the kitchen and into the pantry.

“What do you want Daisy?” She quickly looked around and then closed the door on them. “I told William to forgive you because it was a burden for him. It hurt him that you asked for his forgiveness. That your partner came and asked it of him too.”

“It hurt him that he couldn’t find it in him to forgive you. So I told him that I had. So he could tell you.” Thomas nodded in understanding. “I am sorry Daisy. I truly am. I was just too caught up in my own troubles to see how much he suffered.”

“I also am sorry for what I put you through. Because William was right. I was using you to get back at him and that was neither fair nor very nice.” “I had a massive crush on you.” Thomas laughed “I know.”

“Then I found out that you weren’t interested in women at all. Mrs. Patmore called it not being a ladies’ man. It let to quite some drama.” Thomas chuckled “I can imagine. I am sorry to have put you through all that.”

She nodded. He marvelled at how much of an adult she had become during the War. Conversations like this wouldn’t have been possible back then. He noted that Daisy was nervously shuffling her feet. “What is it Daisy?”

“I can’t stay here Thomas. Mrs. Hughes and Mrs. Patmore kind of bullied me into marrying William on his deathbed. But I didn’t love him. I liked him a lot and I didn’t want him to suffer. So I did it in the end.”

“But I never loved him. And no matter how much Mrs. Patmore insists it was a kind thing to do, it will always feel wrong. Don’t misunderstand me. Mrs. Patmore is like a mother to me. I love this house and the other people.”

“But I can’t stay. It would feel weird.” Thomas nodded “I think I understand Daisy.” She suddenly seemed to have an idea. “Where are you going after the War? Do you have plans?” He nodded “As a matter of fact Edward has asked me to stay on as his valet.”

“So I’ll be going to Courtenay House with him and set up a small household there. Maybe you would consider coming with us? We could use a good cook.” He smiled before he continued. “But there wouldn’t be too much extensive cooking involved.”

“Edward thought that maybe we eat the servant’s dinner and you make something nice for the downstairs. Except when there will be guests.” She giggled. “Keeping up appearances you mean?” “Something like that yes.”

“And no talking about the house. But that should be obvious. Especially not to his parents and his brother. Or any of their staff. Or the villagers. Edward told me they would have him locked up if something smelled funny to them.”

Daisy seemed as shocked about it as he had been “His own parents?” “Yes Daisy. And in addition to being our cook we would like you be joined housekeeper with Ethel.” “Our Ethel?” Yes, I have asked her and Henry to come with us as well.”

“We didn’t want any of his parents’ staff because they would probably be spying on us. So are you willing to take this on?” “I think so Thomas. I don’t really want to leave but I know I have to. And this way I can simply give notice. Thank you for your offer. And thank Edward as well.”

 “We would be leaving when this wretched War is over and done with right?” “Yes I think so. And Daisy? I have told Ethel and Henry not to speak a word about it. I don’t know them as well as you and I want to test their ability to keep big secrets.”

“And you might start telling the people to get Ethel off my back. She has been flirting shamelessly. She needs to grasp that I am gay. Gently mind you. Henry knows and accepts it.” Daisy only giggled “She has been flirting with every man in uniform for the past year.”

“But not with me and I would like her to know that I am off the menu for reasons.” “Alright I’ll get Mrs. Patmore to tell her that you are not a ladies’ man.” They chuckled. “Right we need to get going Daisy.”

They left the pantry. “You know I am sad about William, I just don’t grieve as much as the others would like me to.” “I know that Daisy. Your William has been a good man and a good friend to many people.”

“He was not my William but yes. He was a nice man.” With that they took their leave of each other. Thomas went back to their room as he referred to it now. Edward hadn’t let him sleep in his own bed since they had married.

At the door to the ground floor he was stopped by Mr. Carson of all people. “Barrow? I’ve got a letter here for Lt. Courtenay. If you could deliver it?” “Did it come via the hospital?” “Yes it did. Thank you.” “Not a problem Mr. Carson.”

As he continued to their room he looked at the envelope. A sharp and precise hand had written the address. Not Edward’s mother then. Probably the letter she had mentioned though. He opened it. And nearly fainted at what Jack had written to his brother.

He entered the room and rustled the letter in the air. Edward had picked up on the sound. “Jack’s letter?” He guessed. “Yes. So good news first or bad?” “Bad. Read that damned letter.” “If you want me to. But hold on. It is not very nice.”

“It is Jack, I didn’t expect anything nice.” Thomas sighed. The letter was worse than bad. It equalled his own father’s sentiments. And that had to say something. “Don’t leave anything out Thomas. I can take it.”

“Alright here we go. Edward, mother had requested that I write to you. Father won’t so I have to do it. I am called the heir now and I need to be sure that you won’t take it from me. So in exchange for your written pledge of loyalty I would give you Courtenay House.”

“Father has also granted you an allowance. We will fix the amount when you are back. I also expect you to wed at some point in the near future. You know why. I also choose your staff. I don’t want anything foul going on at my property.”

“You will find things have changed since you last were here. Father doesn’t have much hold over anything. I rule in his stead. Things have been going well since I started taking an interest. I would like them to stay that way. No meddling from you.”

“We will discuss further terms when you arrive back. Jack” Thomas let the letter sink onto his lap. He watched Edward cautiously. “Well that was better than I expected.” “What?” Thomas couldn’t believe his ears.

“I have tried to make it clear to you Thomas. Jack is an utter Bastard. He is power hungry and a schemer. He will do everything to stay in power. He has never realized that I never wanted to be the heir.”

“It can’t get much worse for me. But I could make life hell for him. And he fears that. “He doesn’t know you at all.” “No he doesn’t. He was only ever interested in my weaknesses. But I know his biggest one and I’ll use it against him. For us.”

“I’ll write a letter. I haven’t started the one to mother yet. You can transcribe it later. Believe me Thomas. I can play Jack into consenting to whatever I want. It is my parents we need to fear. They plot behind closed doors.”

Thomas was amazed to see Edward really blossom at the thought of being able to get back at his brother. He thought back to his own childhood and imagined he could get back at his father. But the old man had died and there was nothing to be done.

“And the good news?” He had nearly forgotten about it. Over the whole excitement with Jack’s letter and Edward’s childish joy of plotting against his brother. “Oh right. All three have agreed to come with us.”

“You managed to catch Daisy as well?” “Yes. William is dead. I happened upon her and Mr. Mason when I wanted to leave. For various reasons she didn’t want to stay. So I offered her the job with you.”

“And she agreed. Great I am now officially mad. I am twenty seven. I am married to my valet who also acts as my butler and my nurse. I have hired two girls of eighteen to run my house and to cook for me. My footman is fifteen. Have I forgotten anything?”

Thomas laughed. “No I think not. But you are far from mad Edward. I wouldn’t have married a madman.” He took Edward’s hand and brought it to his lips. “We will make this work. All five of us. And we will do marvellously with you at the helm.”

“Flatterer. It will be you running the house. And you will do just as well as you think I would. Now see to your other patients and let me get done with this letter. Where is my board?” Edward had a writing board that was divided into little rectangles where he would put his dots.

Thomas spied it on the bed. However it had gotten there. He got up and collected it along with paper and pen. It seemed that Edward had already tried to start the letter but had been interrupted by Thomas’ return.

 “Here you crazy man.” He put the things in front of Edward and bent down to kiss him at the nape of his neck. He put his arms around Edward’s shoulders and went to kiss the crown of his head too. Edward relaxed against him.

Edward took up both of Thomas’ hands and kissed them one after the other. “We really ought to get on with work.” “Hm. I know. I just don’t want to go.” “You have to. It is a wonder that nobody has remarked on how much time you spent with me.”

“They all know Edward. At least the staff. And I would say some of the family too. They after all knew I was gay and have known for a long time. They probably have figured it out by now. But it is never mentioned.”

“So you mean most people have figured it out by now but aren’t saying anything? “Exactly. And it is bound to stay that way. So don’t worry.” “I am not worrying. I am just amazed how tolerant this house is.”

“Don’t let Mr. Carson hear that. He will throw a tantrum. He has never been called tolerant in all his life.” Edward chuckled “Still it is so unusual. Reactions like Jack’s or your father’s are much more common.” “I think so. But your house won’t be one of those.”

“How could it when such a wonderful man is sharing it with me?” Their lips met for another graceful kiss. Thomas loved their kisses. They were always gentle. Never rushed or forceful. They were symbols of their love and closeness. And Thomas treasured each of them.

When he returned after his round and dinner in the servants’ hall he found a two paged letter and a peacefully sleeping Edward. He shook his head and covered his husband with a blanket. Then he set onto transcribing the letter.

He was shocked at the frank words his kind and loving Edward used with his brother. No matter how much Thomas and his father had despised each other, he always had a close relationship with his sister and his mother.

And he was even more shocked when Edward invited Jack to come to the Abbey and work on a binding contract together. What was his husband thinking? Jack would see them and know immediately.

Thomas removed his glove and took the ring out. He always carried it in his glove. It was the symbol of their relationship. Of their agreement. Of their marriage before god and no other witnesses. Most of all it was the symbol of their love for each other.

He put it back into the glove. A look at the clock on the mantelpiece told him that it was time to stop worrying and go to sleep. Thomas had never slept better than with Edward at his side. Even the nightmares weren’t as frequent.

He stripped down to his underthings and turned off the lights. As he crawled into bed Edward sleepily turned towards him and murmured “Finished worrying about the future?” “How long have you been awake?”

“A few minutes at most. Come here.” And Thomas settled into his husband’s arms. They had slept like this since the night that Thomas had sought comfort with Edward in the middle of the night. And interestingly it was all they needed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahh... there is more to come on the score of Jack....  
> I fear Thomas has taken a tumble on their way up the steep hill of happiness


	9. The contract

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack finally arrives and Thomas has doubts about Edward

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I fear by now Thomas has not only slipped on the hill but taken a tumble.  
> poor boy.....  
> though i love writing Jack.

William Mason’s funeral was on a rainy Monday. Not many people had come. Mr. Mason was there as was Daisy. Thomas and Edward attended as well. Lady Edith joined them for the family. And that was about it.

It was rather sad if one knew how well liked William had been in life. But then most of his friends and co-workers had to work. Thomas himself had only gotten permission to go because Edward had told Clarkson that he himself wished to go and Thomas had to be his guide.

The next day Jack Courtenay arrived. Edward had requested that Thomas and Lady Edith join them as witnesses. Thomas had outright refused him and said that Major Clarkson would be the better option on behalf of the RAMC.

Lady Edith had also refused and stated her sister Sybil would be of much better use. They had both been ignored. In private Edward had explained something to him. “Thomas, you only know me as a kind and gentle person.”

“And I am glad that you fell in love with that side of me. But I can be nasty. Really nasty and I enjoy that. Especially with Jack. You transcribed that letter. You have realized it. I want you to see it and look me in the eyes afterwards and say that you still love me. Even if I am that nasty.”

“I know that you have been awful to people around you. That whole business with William, Philip, twenty four stolen bottles of wine, twenty pounds from Mr. Carson’s pocket, blackmailing Bates. But there is a difference between your nastiness and mine.”

Thomas had finally agreed to stay as long as he didn’t have to say anything. He had been a bit scared by Edward’s admission. He had read the letter of course. Had seen Edward’s crazy reaction to Jack’s letter.

Had been disturbed by it. But had accepted it as part of the man he loved. He had known that Edward wasn’t only that kind and gentle person that Thomas got to know and love. Otherwise he wouldn’t have survived three bloody battles and two years of the War.

For a part he was proud of his husband. For a part he was scared what might turn up at the confrontation of the two brothers. They seemed to be locked into eternal combat and enjoyed it. And Thomas could easily believe that Edward would make a really bad enemy.

 Yet he didn’t want to lose the man he loved. And he knew part of it would be gone by the time that Edward and Jack would be done. Because unlike himself Edward was normal person without a mental instability.

His suicide had been born from a moment of despair as he had felt all that had made his life worth living slip away. And Thomas only slowly came to realize over the past months, as Edward recovered, just how different they were.

And he wasn’t sure if it would work on a long term basis. He wasn’t made to constantly battle with this person or that because of whom he loved. He had always hidden from people who wanted to expose him.

While Edward stirred right into it. He found joy in confrontation and was able to defend himself with grace and courage. He loved the thrill of the fight. He enjoyed the kick of adrenalin that came from going right into the mouth of the beast.

Thomas sat at his desk in the attic bedroom. He had taken out the ring that Edward had given him as a symbol of their bond. He turned it in his fingers, this way and that. But the ring didn’t provide answers.

He always had been a brooder. But since he and Edward had become a couple it had taken over rather a lot of his day. And he had been amazed that Edward had proposed. But right now he wasn’t so sure anymore

Of Edward, of himself, of their future together. Of Edward’s reasons for this relationship. And his reasons for proposing an illegal marriage between them. For Thomas it was easy. He loved Edward. Adored him.

Wanted to spend every waking and every sleeping minute with him. But Edward had revealed more and more that he wasn’t the man Thomas had thought him to be. He had accepted this. And interestingly he hadn’t cared.

It was just another side to the man he loved. But the change Jack’s letter had evoked was strange. Edward had turned into a maniac at the blink of an eye. Had been gleeful at the possibility to get back at his brother.

At the same time his behaviour had been the near reverse when it came to dealing with his parents. Edward had become a book with a thousand seals. Thomas just wasn’t able to see through him anymore. Like he had before.

Something had changed. They were still close. But the natural feeling was gone. It was just like that. He wasn’t sure about what Edward felt anymore. And he was disappointed. And scared. So very scared.

He had bared his soul to the other man. Had given him everything and what had he gotten in return? He didn’t know. A glimpse of a man he could love. A glimpse of gentleness and kindness. Only to be made a fool? To be cast out again?

They after all hadn’t made a binding contract with each other. Thomas was just so deflated. He had firmly believed that this could work. Had been on cloud nine when Edward had proposed. Had been save and secure.

Which was yet another thing. Edward had wanted to move back to the family lands in Lincolnshire. Had been adamant about it. Had said he needed something secure. And hadn’t realized how much this had troubled his partner.

Could he still call himself that after all that had happened the last week? And if he still was and if he would be moving into Courtenay house what would life be like? Would he have to fear for their relationship every time a family member would come to visit?

He hated this insecurity. Hated being left in the lurch. Being left alone. Especially after such an intense relationship as he and Edward had. He felt tears running down his face. And for the first time in long years he let them run.

When he arrived at the meeting his face was puffy and his eyes red from crying. The ring still lay on his desk in his room. He had pulled his cap far into his face to hide his red eyes. And to see as less as possible of Jack and Edward Courtenay.

He had decided that he needed some time off. From their relationship and from anything to do with Lt. Edward Courtenay. Time to consider his future. What he really wanted. He had found Sybil and told her.

Told her everything. She had been kind and understanding to say the least. She had been willing to fill in for him concerning his duties to Lt. Courtenay. To Edward. He took one last deep breath, knocked on the overly familiar door and entered.

The Courtenay brothers were already seated at the little table in front of the fireplace. Lady Edith stood next to them and Thomas moved to take his place beside her on the far side of Edward Courtenay.

Thomas took a quick glimpse at Jack Courtenay who was seated exactly opposite him. Somehow he doubted that this was a coincidence. Jack looked similar to his brother, yet completely different. It was striking.

Jack’s hair was darker and straight. His eyes a greenish grey similar to his brother’s. He was stockier in build than Edward and a little smaller. But undeniably they were brothers. The same jawline, the same facial expression.

Which was one of set determination for both of them. Just as Jack was about to speak the door opened again and Sybil, and much to his surprise Tom, entered the room. “Is this becoming some party no one told me of?” Jack asked ridiculed.

“I have consented to Lady Edith and Sergeant Barrow being present as witnesses. I don’t need a nurse and a servant in the room.” He obviously didn’t know Sybil and had guessed Tom’s occupation from his uniform.

Thomas spoke up. “This nurse is a daughter of the house, you will therefore address her as Lady Sybil. Mr. Branson is working for his Lordship and deserves the same respect as any high ranked figure in the community”

Jack turned towards him. “And who has asked you for your opinion, soldier? Stand down, or you will leave this room.” But before Thomas had any chance to reply Edward came to the rescue “He will not.”

“And why is that Ned? Is he your lover?” Thomas tensed and Edward looked close to hitting his younger brother. “No he is not. And by the way he will be coming with me to Courtenay house. As my valet and nurse.”

Ouch, that stung more than Thomas could have imagined. Of course Edward couldn’t say that he and Thomas were partners but he didn’t have to reject it that strongly. “I am sorry to say that I cannot allow that Ned.”

“On what grounds Jack? Would you go and find me a valet that would consent to being my nurse? That would lead me to every place I need to go and to be my eyes in every waking minute? That I could trust with transcribing my letters?”

“If you think so do. If not Sergeant Barrow has been working as a footman since he was fifteen. He has acted as valet to a Duke and various other guests of the house he served. In addition he has been assigned to help me since I arrived at the hospital. I know him now even if it was a stony road. I don’t want to spend another two years growing accustomed to yet another valet.”

“Well that is one person in your household. The others will be mine.” “And there you are wrong again Jack. My house, my people, my rules.” Thomas drew a breath. He knew that Jack would not take kindly to this.

Getting him onto the staff at Courtenay house had been an easy thing. Coercing Jack into giving Edward single rule over his household would prove far more difficult. “Ned you know why neither I nor dad or mum would allow that. And it would be best not to put up a fight about it.”

Edward had heard the threat beneath the words. By now they were so engrossed in their fight that Sybil and Tom had been forgotten. Sybil carefully made her way towards Thomas. “Are you alright?” She whispered.

Thomas nodded, not once taking his eyes off the waring brothers. “Why would that help any of you? By law of the country the title and lands are still mine to inherit and not yours. Father would have to get uncle Devon to apply for a private bill.”

“And why would he bother with that? The Earl of Devon is a very busy man. And father is too sick judging by what mother says. Why should uncle Devon be troubled by a lousy fight over an even lousier inheritance of the sons of a very distant cousin from a junior branch of the family?”

“You know he won’t care Jack. You need me to step back on my own accord. Otherwise you can go on calling yourself heir over Powderham Manor for as long as you live and then it would still pass to me or my heirs.”

There was a break as Jack thought over what Edward had said. Thomas looked at Sybil in amazement. “Has he just said they are those Courtenays? The Devonshire ones?” Sybil giggled. “I didn’t know either. Well done Thomas.” He raised an eyebrow.

“Never mind me. Get Tom out of here as quickly as you can. He looks fit to murder both of them. Because I do know one thing. The Earl of Devon was behind the forces that subdued the Easter Risings in Dublin.”

Sybil looked alarmed between him and her boyfriend. Tom really looked fit to go into a red rage. She quickly went over to him. He saw how she grabbed him by the elbow and whispered hastily into his ear.

Finally he saw how Tom relaxed. Sybil led him out of the room and retuned a few moments later on her own. She resumed her place next to him. “I have told him to go fix some cars. That ought to do the trick.” Thomas smiled at her.

Finally Jack Courtenay seemed to have found his tongue again. “And what would I have to do to ensure that you would step down?” Thomas released a breath he had been holding for some time now.

At the same time he saw how Edward tensed up. Yet his voice was calm when he replied “You want it so much Jack? Would you ruin your own brother to gain power? Your twin brother at that?” What? Twin brothers? Thomas was lost. Even if it explained some things.

“I don’t know Ned. But I do know that I would make the better Lord Courtenay. Especially now.” “Maybe you would and maybe you wouldn’t. We won’t know. At least not at this rate. Tell me how are our parents?”

Thomas saw that Edward’s words had hit a nerve with Jack. He looked at the two Crawley sisters. He could tell that they had realized too, that something crucial was about to happen. Edward had never told Thomas much about his parents.

So he wasn’t prepared for anything that might happen now. “Mother is well enough. Father isn’t. Like you said it is worse than ever before.” “I guess that you have used his frailty to get him to name you heir? An empty promise as long as I don’t give my consent to it.”

“I had to do it Ned.” Edward seemed to think for a moment. Finally he said “You should have come to me first. We should have made a deal between us before we went to father together. How long does he have?”

So Lord Courtenay was dying. That was interesting to know. Especially with the heir blind and the alternative a weak and pathetic schemer. Because that was all that Jack was. A bag of hot air. And hot air could burn you if you were not careful around it.

“The doctor says he won’t see Christmas. Will you be home by then? I think he might like to see you once more.” “What after he kicked me out the last time I was there and told me to die in the trenches? Don’t be ridiculous Jack.”

Jack just shrugged. “As you wish. But you haven’t told me when you will be coming home. If you want Courtenay house it must be before the old man goes. Otherwise mother will take up residence. That is why she wanted you in Waterside.”

Edward actually smiled “She seems as reluctant to move in with Grandma as you are in keeping her at the Manor or me at having her at Courtenay house. Why won’t she go back to Uncle Devon? She was always so proud of the connection.”

“You know why Ned. She wants an eye on you. Two eyes if possible.” “Well I won’t have her and that’s it.” Not much love lost between the sons and their mother then. Actually Thomas wasn’t so sure anymore if Jack resented Edward that much.

“You know under which condition she might consent to moving away?! And you know me Ned. I want that title. I might even turn a blind eye to whatever you choose to do at Courtenay house as long as you stay discreet.”

“But you have to yield the title first.” Edward seemed to be thinking. Then he quickly started making notes on his board. “What are you doing there?” Without looking up Edward replied “Sketching out a draft. Barrow can read it to you.”

Jack looked him directly in the eye. “So you can read this stuff then? How will I know that you are not making things up? After all it would be in your interests.” But Edward once more came to the rescue “Because that is his job.”

Jack laughed bitterly “What reading dots a blind man has made on paper?” “It is Braille writing Jack and if you had just a spot within you for honesty then you would know that Sergeant Barrow would do as told without any wrong play. Won’t you Barrow?”

“Certainly, Sir.” Thomas replied. “And how can he read this?” “Because I told him to learn it so he can transcribe my letters.” “Can’t you write normally?” Edward laughed sadly. “I could try. But it wouldn’t do much good.”

“Since I can’t see where my hand is the lines would become messed up, words into words. And in the end none of you could read it any better than I. This” He gestured at his board “is much more useful.”

Another minute or so passed with Edward dotting away and Jack taking in the room his brother lived in. Thomas saw Lady Edith watch Jack Courtenay in fascination. He looked at Sybil and raised an eyebrow in question.

Sybil was barely able to supress a laugh. “Sergeant?” Edward held out the paper he had been writing on. Thomas took it and scanned it, quickly making a rough translation. He had to suppress his smile as he realized that at least half the page were instructions to him how to read this or that passage and why.

Cheeky Edward. The last line was especially brave. It read: Please Thomas know I am doing this for us, I love you. He read that at least five times, eyeing Edward over the edge of the paper. Then he decided to take his chances.

“Lt. Courtenay? I would like to ask a question concerning something you wrote. I am not quite sure that I read this as it should read.” To his utter surprise Edward seemed to have known what he wanted and held out his hand.

Thomas quickly took it and stated dotting away. He heard Jack take a sharp breath and saw Sybil’s surprised eyes. “Sergeant? What are you doing? You presume too much!” Jack Courtenay had half risen from his chair.

Thomas paused in the middle of the word love. But once more Edward came to his rescue. Hopefully this wasn’t getting a regular thing. “Jack sit down again. It is alright. Since I can’t see the dots as you call them, he has to find a way to communicate writing to me. As it happens I misspelled something and he wrote the word in question.”

Jack grumbled. He wasn’t satisfied with that explanation and Thomas could see that. Edward once more took up pen and paper and quickly dotted something down. Thomas read it. And again had to school his features.

I am sorry for putting you through all this my darling. Please be sure that you will always be my heart, always. Edward was getting overboard. How lucky they were that Jack Courtenay couldn’t read Braille.

“Thank you lieutenant. That explains it.” Thomas took up a pencil and began to make notes on his paper. His brain was running mad. Had Edward realized that Thomas was so disturbed that he considered calling the whole thing off?

He held up the paper as sort of shield and handed Sybil the note behind it with a meaningful glance. Luckily Jack and Edward were too engrossed in their bickering to notice. Thomas had taught Sybil Braille on her own wish.

Sybil gasped when she read it. She stole his pencil and wrote something down herself. In Braille. Thomas was surprised how fast she had mastered it. She handed the note back. It read: There you go. He is a brave man. I can’t see him going off you. He is just stressed.

Brave he certainly was. But Thomas had known that before. But he wasn’t sure about the second part. But the longer he thought about it the more he realized that Sybil might have given him a second message in the first part.

“Sergeant? Are you done?” “One moment Sir.” He quickly scribbled down a few more words. “There we go. Shall I read it or do you want me to give it to Mr. Courtenay?” “I am Captain Courtenay Sergeant and you will address me as such.”

“I am, sorry Sir. You are not in uniform. I didn’t know your rank.” This was getting exasperating. “Well never mind, Sergeant. Give me this paper.” But Edward was alert as always “No Jack let him read it. That way Lady Edith and Nurse Crawley can hear it as well.”

And so Thomas set about reading the contract that would change his life, if he stayed with Edward. Most of it was just boring stuff. But then he got to the most interesting part and desperately hoped that Jack wouldn’t take mind of a little addition of Edward’s to his condition.

“In addition I Edward Courtenay step down and give the title and lands that should come to me unto my father’s death to my brother John Courtenay and his heirs. I have the right to revoke this if I see fit at any given time until my death.”

Edward’s notes had said: read this as quickly and neutral as you can and continue on without a pause. I need to keep a grip on Jack if I am to remain safe after we move there. I won’t let him get you into trouble.

Thomas has done as instructed and had finally reached the end of the contract. Now he was waiting with baited breath to see whether Jack had taken note of the crucial change. But there had been rather harsh demands before and after.

And Jack had taken the condition for granted even before they had started on the contract. Finally Jack said “Alright. I consent. Welcome back into the family Ned.” He held out his hand and realized at the same time that his brother couldn’t see that.

But as often before Edward had expected something like that and held out his hand as well. Jack grabbed it and they embraced. “It is good to have you back Ned. I mean it.” “I know Jack. I know that we have to do this for mother’s sake.”

What the actual hell? Now Thomas was completely confused. Edward had a lot of explaining to do later on. Sybil shifted closer. “What are they doing? It doesn’t look like mortal enemies to me.” “Words taken right out of my mouth, Sybil. I have no clue what’s going on.”

“So Ned. When will you be back? Just so I know when we have to get the house into shape.” Edward chuckled “Expect me about a week after this god forsaken War is over. And get all my stuff from the Manor down to the house.”

“And your valet? And the other household staff?” “Sergeant Barrow will be travelling with me. So will the others.” His voice had gotten heavy with implication. So not all was as sunny as it seemed. Jack turned to Thomas.

“Well then Sergeant. Are you ready for your new post?” “I believe so Sir. I always wanted to be a valet and now I am.” “To blind man who doesn’t even leave his books for one moment and is as boring as it can get.”

Thomas smiled “Well one can’t always get anything they wish for. At least the pay is better than as a footman.” He saw Edward shaking his head slightly at his words. Well two could play that game. “Well said Sergeant.”

To Edward Jack said “You got yourself a valet with some ambition I see. Whoever will act as your butler will have to take care.” Edward chuckled “Then he will only have to take care of himself. He will be pulling a double act.”

Jack raised an eyebrow “Are you serious Ned? Sounds like you are in for a simple life then.” Edward sighed. “You always knew I didn’t much like the opulence. I’ll have butler and valet combined, a cook and a housemaid who will both jointly be acting as housekeeper as well as a footman who is also doing the duties of a hallboy.”

“And you forget Jack, Courtenay House isn’t the Manor. It doesn’t need many servants. And it is only me and maybe at one time a wife. If you really think I should marry.” Jack’s smile looked forced. “You need to Ned.”

“As you did?” Jack looked ashamed “As I did.” Thomas quickly looked over to Lady Edith who could have been knocked down with a feather at the shock. Yet another dream husband goes west. Poor girl.

But then he realized that she had shifted her gaze to Edward in search for a replacement. Thomas’ eyes narrowed. Oh no woman. That one is mine. But then a little idea took hold in his mind. A rather daring idea at that.

Only then did he realize that he had again declared Edward as his. And with ferocity at that. And Thomas knew. They would get through that crisis. They were meant for each other. And Sybil was right, Edward was brave.

Brave enough to stand for his man against all odds. Brave enough to show his love by proposing an illegal marriage. Brave enough to shelter a man like Thomas within his heart. And that was the thing that really got him thinking.

Thomas was a mental wreck who could be triggered by anything into total despair. Especially now after the War and in an intense relationship. He began to see Edward with different eyes. Realized that Edward had wanted to protect him from his troubles with his family by keeping his distance.

And Thomas felt like he fell in love with Edward Courtenay for a second time. Suddenly he was jerked out of his thoughts by Jack’s voice. “By the way Ned. Where is that ring Tilly gave you before she died? Didn’t you carry it as necklace?”

Thomas remembered the ring on his desk in the servant’s quarters. “I lost it in France. I don’t know where. I remember having it at Verdun. But I couldn’t find it afterwards. Possibly at Ypres. Or when I was blinded on the Somme” He sounded sad as he said it.

“A shame really” Jack lamented. “She loved that ring.” Edward nodded solemnly “I know Jack. I gave it to her.” Who was Tilly? Had she been engaged to Edward before the War? Why had she died? “Tell me Jack. Where were you deployed?”

“We should have served in the same regiment after all.” Jack shook his head “No, I signed up with the Lincolnshire Volunteers. I was at the front in Morocco first. Then Ypres and a few weeks on the Somme. Then I was shot through the arm and that was it.”

Edward nodded “That explains why you weren’t brought here to Downton.” “No I was treated at Lincoln and later at the joint home at Farley.”  “I was supposed to go there too but then the family here opened the house as a convalescent home.”

And what luck that had been. Even if it had only worked for Edward because he had tried to take his own life and Thomas had saved him. And just as Thomas was thinking about that, Jack said something rather disturbing.

“What happened to you two years ago Ned? I remember my eyes burning and that was explained when we were informed of the gas blindness. But then a couple of weeks later I woke up during the night and was restless, my heart ached. I was so anxious that I couldn’t get back to sleep anymore.”

Thomas and Sybil looked at each other. “Twins” Sybil mouthed. Edward seemed taken back. Then he carefully chose his words. “I was close to death. Sergeant Barrow saved me.” Inconspicuously he tried to pull his sleeves further down to cover the scars the razor had left.

But before Jack could question this any further Edward admonished “You could have chosen a better moment to get injured you know? I was supposed to be shooting at some damned Germans and suddenly I had to drop my rifle because a hot pain was shooting through my arm.”

Jack looked taken aback as “Sorry Ned” But Edward laughed “Don’t worry what else could you have done?” When he realized that there were still three other people in his room he said “Thank you for coming.”

“Sergeant Barrow can you go and copy the contract? Lady Edith, Nurse Crawley can you be back in about half an hour to sign as witnesses?” As they left Edward called Thomas back. He handed him a note. Thomas took it and left as well.

Outside Lady Edith went her way while Sybil and he stayed behind. “What did he write?” He quickly scanned the note then handed it over. Sybil smiled. “He can’t stop doing this can he?” Thomas smiled “No he can’t and he shouldn’t.”

Sybil smiled and Thomas continued “I wanted to thank you Sybil for pressing my face into something that was so plain in front of me. I shouldn’t have doubted.” Sybil put her hands on his arms. “Tell him, not me!”

“He was having a hard time pushing you away like that. He hated every minute of it. He had feared that you would leave him because of that. Thankfully you realized it in the end.” “He told you?” Sybil nodded gravely.

“Yes because he saw what it was doing to you. What he was forced to do to you. He was suffering just as much. Maybe more. He loves you Thomas and he would do everything for you, even if it is impossible. He would die for you Thomas.”

He had tears in his eyes. But this time they were tears of joy. “Thank you Sybil. Thank you so much for helping me and him. You are an angel.” She laughed “I don’t know about that. But thank you. And now go and get that to paper.”

She gestured at the sheet he was holding. “I bet half of that isn’t even meant for anyone’s eyes but yours.” “You would win.” “Cheeky man. You are so lucky to have him.” Thomas smiled “As you are with Tom.”

Sybil smiled “On which note I better make sure that he hasn’t used the gasoline for any ungodly purposes. I’ll see you later.” “We would have smelled that by now.” He called after her. She laughed. Thomas went to his room to copy out the contract.

After Jack had left and everybody else had gone to bed Thomas descended the stairs and crossed the hallway to enter Edward’s room. The ring was back in its usual place. The lights had been turned out but the moon was bright enough for Thomas to see.

Edward sat in the armchair next to the dying fire. He waited until Thomas had come close enough to hear his hoarse voice. “Is our love dying like this fire Thomas? Will it be gone by morning?” Thomas instantly went down to his knees to be on the same height as his partner.

His voice was filled with emotion as he said “Mine won’t. I love you Edward Courtenay. I am sorry if I have doubted.” Edward’s face was still turned towards the flames even if he could not see them. “I thought you wouldn’t come.”

Thomas took his hands. And finally Edward turned his head “Edward, I promised you I would return. I keep my promises.” Edward entwined his fingers with Thomas’. “And here I thought I had driven you away.”

“I am sorry for the way I acted these past days, Thomas. I was trying to protect you. Shield you from all the bad that came from my family. I did it because I love you and I didn’t want you to suffer anymore.”

“But I only succeeded in nearly destroying our relationship. I am so sorry Thomas. I want you to know that I would do anything for you. I love you so much that I could die from it.” Thomas smiled weakly “Please don’t.”

Edward stood up and took Thomas into his arms. “It is the truth. You mean everything to me. And I won’t give you up unless you want me to. I made a vow Thomas. I mean to keep it.” Thomas sniffed. Never had anyone said such words to him.

He felt treasured. He felt at peace. “Oh Edward. I don’t know why I ever doubted. I felt so insecure about all of it. It was like a dream and when you started acting so weird it felt like I have woken up from that dream.”

Edward kissed him. “Never.” And it was as easy as that. They loved each other and that was all there was to it. Their love was the strongest thing in the world. That night they made love for the first time. And it was as gentle and caring as their kisses.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To quick notes:  
> Thomas' description of Jack is a description of a pic on imdb of Lachlan Nieboer who plays Edward on the show.
> 
> On the Courtenays: they are the oldest noble family in England. Their origins can be traced back till 430. As Edward mentioned they are the Earls of Devon and have been for some time. The (fictional) Lincolnshire branch of Edward's is descended through a younger line that historically diverged from the main family during the Wars of the Roses (1455-1485) When Phillip Courtenay decided that the York family had a better claim on the throne than the Lancaster. His older brother thought differently and kicked Phillip out of the family seat in Devonshire, Powderham Castle. Hence the name of the Courtenay seat in Lincolnshire: Powderham Manor.  
> In addition they are incredibly rich. So even if they are a minor branch Edward and Jack would have grown up in luxury.


	10. Armistice and a change

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thomas is taking on another full time job  
> Robert's announcement leads to joy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not much to say to this. just what it says in the summary

At the end of October Major Clarkson approached Thomas. “Sergeant? Mr. Crawley will be needing a personal attendant when he arrives here. I want you to take charge of it.” “But Sir what about Lt. Courtenay?”

Sybil heard the last part of the conversation and came over. She knew what Clarkson was about to say and had already taken care of things. “Sergeant Barrow. Lt. Courtenay has been in our care for a little over two years.”

“He is as ready to start his life again as he ever will be. We have been overlooking this for as long as possible for the sake of you both but the time has come when we need you for other tasks.” Before Thomas could say anything damning she stepped in.

“Major? Do you need the room Lt. Courtenay is staying in or is it simply a matter of needing Thomas to do a different time consuming task?” They both turned to her and she saw a glimpse of hope in Thomas’ eyes.

She nodded ever so slightly to signal him that she had it under control. It was time for her to repay Thomas’ work with Tom over the last months. He had done so much for them both. Tom had been in a state since Jack Courtenay’s visit.

Then the Russian royal family had been shot and Ireland had begun to stir as well. He had shouted at her and made it clear that she had to be on his side. She had been very afraid of him. She had come to Thomas with her worries.

Thomas had promised to try his best. And somehow he must have hit something within Tom. Because they had reconciled and now were engaged. Thomas had given her future back to her. And she owed him for that.

So when she had heard that Clarkson would need Thomas to take over Matthew she had known what that meant for Edward. She had asked her parents if Edward could stay on as a house guest until the War was done.

Miraculously they had agreed. Now she expectantly looked at Clarkson. Who looked at Thomas and then back to her. “No we don’t need the room. The War has died down mostly and there are fewer wounded.”

“Then it is settled. Lt Courtenay will be treated as a house guest from now on and will stay until the War is done. I have no doubts that my parents will agree to this. Does this satisfy you Major?” Thomas had broken into a smile at her words.

Good. She looked at Clarkson “I think it works Nurse Crawley. But Barrow still has to take on the duty with Mr. Matthew.” Thomas spoke up “I will Major, if Mr. Crawley will have me that is. And you are aware that my contract with the RAMC ends the day the War is over.”

Clarkson nodded “And there is no chance of keeping you on at the hospital? You are a great medic you know? You could study medicine and become a doctor.” Well that was high praise from Clarkson. But she already knew what Thomas’ answer would be.

“No Major. I already have a job that I’ll be taking on as soon as the War is done. But thank you for your offer. It is very kind.” Clarkson nodded and at the same time looked curiously at Thomas. As far as she knew he always thought that Thomas’ feelings for Edward were unrequited.

Thomas turned to Clarkson again. “Is that all Sir?” She knew he was burning to get to Edward to tell him. “Yes Sergeant. Mr. Crawley will arrive at four in the afternoon. It would be kind if you could settle him in.”

“Of course Sir.” Thomas saluted and went upstairs in search of his husband. A stone had fallen from his heart the moment Sybil had said that her parents would take Edward as a house guest. Even if that meant that Edward had to spend his dinners with the family now.

He stormed through the open door and quickly closed it. Edward was nowhere in sight. Then he noticed that the bathroom door was slightly ajar and settled into a chair waiting until Edward returned.

“Thomas? Is that you?” Edward called from the bathroom. Only then Thomas heard the typical sounds of a person sloshing around a bathtub. His body reacted accordingly. They had made love in the tub before.

It had been rather an adventure. But a very nice one. “Who else?” “Come here if you are so good and tell me what has brought you here in such a hurry.” Thomas got up and entered the bathroom. Thankfully Edward was completely covered in water and foam.

Thomas chuckled. Edward always used too much shampoo and soap. Since he couldn’t see how much he poured he just went for it. Once Thomas had to wade through a room full of foam. “You used too much soap, again.” He admonished.

Edward giggled. Oh how he still loved that sound. “Now tell me what happened.” Thomas found himself a stool and sat down, hand trailing through the water. “Clarkson wants me to take on Matthew Crawley. It is a fulltime job. And he said that meant you had to leave.”

Edward grew serious “That doesn’t sound too nice. Yet you seem happy.” Thomas trailed his fingers over Edward’s shoulder. Edward took the offending hand and entwined their fingers. “I am happy because you can still stay.”

“How so?” “Because you are now a house guest of the Crawley family. Until the War is over that is.” Edward smiled and pulled Thomas for a kiss. He splashed his husband with a bit of water and Thomas drew back enraged.

“Oy. I have to wear this uniform a bit longer today. Now it is all wet.” He reprimanded sternly. “I am sorry love.” Edward tried to hide his mirth. But he didn’t succeed and soon Thomas joined in the laughter. Then they heard the gong ring trice.

“What was that for?” Edward asked. “I don’t know. But we will find out soon. Get out of that tub quickly.” He found a towel and tossed it at Edward. It hit him full in the face “Oy. Not fair.” Thomas chuckled.

They quickly made their way down to the great hall where all of the family and the patients were assembled. They stood at the back of the crowd closely together. “Is everybody here?” That was Lord Grantham and he sounded very happy.

“I have had news from the War Office. The War is over. The ceasefire will begin on the eleventh of November at twelve. I would like all inhabitants of this house to be present for a minute of remembrance.”

Thomas took Edward’s hand and squeezed it. When he saw that the other soldiers were embracing each other out of relief, he did the same with Edward. “Are you mad?” “Sorry, you couldn’t see. They all are doing it.”

And Edward hugged him back. “Onto a new life then, Mr. Barrow.” And Thomas agreed “And may it be happy, Mr. Courtenay.” Later that day he heard Carson grumble about how three of their employees had handed in their notice.

It was all he could do not to laugh at the poor man. It was rather mean, poaching of servants from another family. But he was too happy to seriously mind. He felt as if he was walking on clouds. In less than two weeks they would move into Courtenay house and live their lives in peace. Or as peaceful as it was like to get with a family like Edward’s.

He was brought back down to earth when Mr. Matthew arrived. When he had been working at the hospital he would have called it a hopeless case. But he had seen that when he had visited Mr. Matthew on occasion.

He had just given up and that wasn’t unexpected after the diagnosis he had. He had simply greeted him and pushed his wheelchair to the room on the ground floor. Then he had put him into bed and asked whether anything was required.

Matthew had made it clear that he didn’t mind Thomas taking over his care but that the more intimate things should be done by a nurse. And certainly not Sybil. Thomas had suggested that he take it up with Clarkson.

They had a few paralysed and semi paralysed soldiers at the hospital before. And Thomas hadn’t minded doing those things. They had to be done and that was it. But he understood Mr. Matthew. It was easier if the people doing it didn’t know you.

So he had relayed the wish straight to Clarkson who had muttered something under his breath and stormed off. By the end of the week he was mostly back to his normal schedule. Thanks to a dedicated nurse from Ripon and Mary Crawley.

Edward had laughed at that “That is what you call a full time job? You are a funny man Thomas Barrow.” “Well I hadn’t expected Lady Mary to take such a great interest. She is doing most of my work.”

Edward had laughed at that. “Well more time for us.” And had pulled Thomas into a kiss. Their relationship had become more passionate after Jack’s visit. And closer as well. When they were in one room they always touched somehow.

But it wasn’t all about their nightly activities. It was about their love and their trust in each other. They practically were one person by now. And how glad they had been that Sybil and Tom finally were on the road to this as well.

There had been a major crisis after Jack’s visit. Thomas had gone and talked with Tom but hadn’t quite gotten to the bottom of it. Something about Tom being frustrated at everything and everyone including himself.

Thomas had given him a good talk about what he thought of that and somehow had hit the right mark because a week later Tom had proposed and Sybil had accepted. It was only sad that he wouldn’t be around to see the family’s faces at the announcement.

But as Thomas himself had told Jack Courtenay, one couldn’t get everything they wished for. But his biggest wish had been fulfilled in the form of Edward Courtenay. Actually Edward had told him to call him Ned.

That, so he insisted, was the name his closest family used. Seeing that Thomas as his husband was his next of kin he had pointed out that it was only appropriate. But Thomas had refused. Edward suited his husband much better than Ned he found.

And he didn’t want to use a name that people who despised the man he loved used. So he had stuck with calling his partner Edward. No matter the persuasion methods. He held onto his resolve. Edward had even tried to tickle him into it.

He still smiled at the memory. Those moments of pure happiness were so few. And had only become possible as the soldiers occupying the rooms next to theirs had moved out. But they still had to be careful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> one last chapter to follow and then it is off to Courtenay House for them. into a new life


	11. Onto new shores

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thomas kindles hopes, is nostalgic and impresses Carson  
> Goodbyes are said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it then.  
> The War is over and our two boys are on their way to happiness.

The eleventh of November came with a thick fog and clouds that promised rain. But Thomas was feeling bright and sunny. They would leave Downton the day after tomorrow when Tom would drive them to Lincolnshire.

Admittedly he was a bit nostalgic. After all he had spent nearly eight years in this house. But he was looking forward to a future at Edward’s side. Only three days to go and they could live the life they wanted. At least within their own walls.

“Are you ready Thomas?” Edward had appeared next to him. Both of them had put on their best uniform in honour of the Fallen. Though Edward’s special parade uniform had been rather tricky to get into.

But they had managed in the end. He took his husband’s hand and pressed a quick kiss to it. “As ready I ever will be. So let’s go we don’t want to be late.” With that they went off to first collect Matthew Crawley from his room and then to join the others in the great hall.

They arrived with a good ten minutes to spare. Slowly the other patients and the rest of the family arrived. Even Lady Mary’s new fiancé. And Tom Branson. He hadn’t been sure about Tom. He knew how much the other man abhorred these things.

But there he was. At last Robert Crawley arrived. He said a few words which Thomas thought very moving. They all stood to attention as the clock stroke twelve. Thomas remembered a few friends he had made in the trenches. A few nice men from the hospital. A few more hopeless cases.

He felt Edward’s hand sneak into his own. Luckily they were all standing so closely together that nobody saw. He let his eyes wander over the faces of the servants standing opposite them. Mrs. Patmore was crying, so she probably had lost kin.

Daisy was looking ready to tear up. No doubt she remembered William and how he had tragically given his life. Even Tom looked sufficiently grave. Then he remembered that a cousin of Tom’s had been shot during the Easter Rising 1916.

After a minute they all stood down again. Edward’s hand disappeared. Thomas murmured to him “I’ll see you later. Thank you.” Edward nodded and went to talk to a few soldiers he had made friends with. Thomas took care of Matthew Crawley.

As he pushed the wheelchair over the edge of the carpet he heard Mr. Matthew suck in a sharp breath. “Are you alright Sir?” “I just thought I felt something. Never mind.” Thomas pushed him back to his room.

After he had settled him on the bed he asked “What did you feel Mr. Crawley? Maybe I can try and explain.” Mr. Matthew was frantically rubbing his legs. “It was like an electric current that shot through my legs.”

“Have you felt this before?” Mr. Matthew shook his head. “No I haven’t. I am glad, it hurts like hell. Clarkson said there might be something like phantom pain.” Thomas shook his head, his thoughts were racing.

They had a similar case before at the hospital. “No, Sir. This isn’t phantom pain. It is a different pain. Phantom pain would have started sometime before this. We had a similar case at the hospital. But I don’t want to give you any false hope.”

“God man. Just tell me what this pain is.” “I can get you something for it but it should subside within the next couple of minutes. If it returns you can be sure.” “Sure of what?” Thomas took a breath “That you will walk again.”

Mr. Matthew looked at him like he was an alien being. “Explain.” He finally managed. “We had a similar case at the hospital back in 1916. A blast had thrown him against something and his back had been shocked.”

“It is like when you hit your shin and get a black spot. Only about a hundred times stronger. Accordingly it takes longer for the swelling to go down but once it does everything can return to normal.”

“Everything?” Thomas smiled “Yes Sir. Everything. But don’t tell Dr. Clarkson about what I told you. He would have my head if I were wrong.” Mr. Matthew smiled. “Not a word I promise. So you say if I were to feel this pain again, I would walk again?”

Thomas nodded. Mr Matthew threw his head back and laughed. Thomas smiled with him. “Anything else you’ll be needing?” “No thank you Thomas. You have given me all that was needed.” Thomas started towards the door when Mr. Matthew called him back.

“Where will you be going? Or are you staying on at the hospital?” “No Sir. Dr. Clarkson has offered me a position but I already had one. I’ll be going with Lt. Courtenay as his valet and butler.” “Heavens you have made a good deal there.”

Thomas smiled “I have. I’ll be leaving in two days’ time. So good luck to you Sir.” “And to you Thomas. Thank you for your help.” “It was my job. But you are very welcome.” He left and gently closed the door behind him.

Edward was waiting for him in their room. He sensed that something had improved Thomas’ mood considerably. “What is it Thomas? What has put you into this singing mood?” He encircled Thomas from behind with his arms.

“Just gave Mr. Matthew good news.” Edward put his head on Thomas’ shoulder. “And what would that be?” “That he will walk again.” “Those are indeed good news. Mine aren’t as rosy.” Thomas turned around so that he was facing Edward.

“And what would those be?” “I don’t have anything to dress in but my uniform. My things are all at the Manor or at Courtenay House by now. But I am not a soldier anymore. Though I doubt anything I have at home would still fit me.”

Thomas sensed that there was more to come and waited for Edward to continue. “I signed up for the army when my father kicked me out in 1911. I needed some food in my belly and some money to dress myself. I have been wearing uniform ever since.” Thomas thought for a moment.

How similar their stories were. His own father had also kicked him out for exactly the same reasons. But a few years earlier than Edward’s had done. Thomas had been fifteen when he had found himself in the streets of Stockport.

“Maybe something of mine fits you. We are about the same height. The problem is I am stockier and more muscular than you are. It might get hard to get you into one of my suits.” Edward cupped his cheek.

“I know you are love.” He kissed him. And again and again until they were both breathless. “But we might try. After all you are my valet now” “Mhm, but not today” Thomas mumbled against the fabric of Edward’s uniform.

Edward laughed. “You are rather clingy at the moment my dear. What’s wrong?” “Just a bit nostalgic. This house has been my home for eight years. I have had so many experiences here, good and bad. I am going to miss it.”

“Will you show me your old room? I know I can’t see it but I would like to visit it. To know how you lived before the War.” “You would only knock dents into the furniture. Besides there isn’t much in it. A desk, a set of drawers, a chair, a single cot. That’s it.”

“Still you lived in it.” “So what? But if you want to. Why not. Carson is going to have a heart attack if he sees my new employer sitting on my old cot.” They chuckled. Then Edward drew him closer and Thomas rested his head on Edward’s shoulder.

Two days later they were ready to move out. Thomas and Edward each had one suitcase as they both didn’t boast many possessions. Thomas had shed a few tears as he locked the door of his old room behind him and took his name tag out of its holder.

They had finally managed to alter one of Thomas’ suits to fit Edward and so both of them were ready to face the world of civilians. Thomas had left his uniform behind, Edward’s was in his suitcase. A keepsake or so he had said. Daisy, Ethel and Henry were also ready and waiting for Tom to bring them to the station. He would be picking them up at Lincoln after he had dropped off Edward and Thomas at Courtenay house.

Downstairs goodbyes had been very moving and very tearful. Especially for Daisy and Mrs. Patmore. Anna had given him a hug, much to the annoyance of Mr. Bates. Mr. Carson had enquired after his new job.

When he had told him that he would work as butler and valet to a Courtenay, the old man’s eyes had nearly popped out of their sockets. Thomas refrained from telling him that it was only a minor branch of the famous house. Which by the way was the oldest noble house in England as Carson had told him.

Mrs. Hughes had given them all her best wishes and had even pulled Thomas and Daisy into a little brisk hug. After all she had practically raised them since Thomas had been fifteen and Daisy ten. Mrs. Patmore had made them a gigantic basket that they would have to eat over the next week or so he presumed.

Now they finally stood in the entrance hall and Thomas waited while Edward said goodbye to the family. Sybil and Tom would be bringing them to Lincoln. He didn’t have much connection to the rest of the family.

Then finally they were on their way. Thomas helped Edward into his borrowed coat and then they were off. A last disapproving glance from Carson as he climbed into the back with Edward and then he only looked forward, holding hands with the man he loved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So i hope you liked it.  
> since i had more ideas about this story than would have fitted in this story i made a little xmas special, i'll put it up either tonight or tomorrow
> 
> I wish you a very happy xmas and a happy 2016 (without Da sadly)


End file.
